Posts Tagged ‘movies

12
Nov
09

The “C” Word

 

We all know I am a TV junkie.  But this is not a blog about TV or my unbalanced obsession with the electronic box in my living room.

I LOVE watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC.  But lately I am having a really rough time watching it.

Kitty McCallister played by Calista Flockhart, has Cancer.  Or more specifically, she has Lymphoma.  I have so much trouble dealing with Cancer or watching someone go through that, even if it is just acting on television.  It just hits too close to home for me to be comfortable.  And then even though I love watching, my brain is begging me to turn off anything showing the dreaded “C”.

My fears are not born out of me being crazy.  Ok, well maybe some of them are.  But this fear, the fear of Cancer, is experience based.

Some of you who have followed me from MySpace have already read this blog.  I hope that you will take a quick moment to read it now and come back.

Let me not mourn…

My stepdad, Jim, was an amazing man.  He was an amazing father who loved unconditionally.  We were lucky to have him in our life.  But then he got Cancer.

He was sick for two and a half years and then he died.  Just like that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a man, was gone.

Cancer did that.  I was there when he took his final breath.  It’s a moment that I wish I could banish from my memory forever.  But no matter what I do, when I close my eyes, there it is.  It was horrific.   I hated living through it and I never want to live through it again.

They say you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  Sometimes, it’s true.  But then sometimes once you lose something you grow this irrational fear.  And even though you haven’t lost another someone, that fear overwhelms you.  That fear that you ‘could’ lose them.

I don’t have a fear of myself getting Cancer.  And I even had a brush with cervical Cancer a few years ago.  But I am not scared of getting it.  I don’t know why.  My fear is that someone I love will get it.  Someone that I need.  Someone that I don’t want to die.  And any time I hear of someone, anyone, fictitious or otherwise, having Cancer, or God forbid, dying of Cancer, I freak out.  My brain goes crazy with fear.

Watching this show brings it all back to me.  It’s horrible.  Just watching it, puts this ache in my stomach.  Watching her go through having cancer, watching how her family is dealing with the news.  Even watching her going to chemo.  Ugh.  I want to turn it off.  But I don’t want to miss the show.

Death on TV or Film does the exact same thing.  There I am transported back there.  That feeling of loss is like a fresh wound all over again.

I wonder if it will always be this way.  Will I always cry when someone on the screen gets cancer or dies?  Will it ever get easier?  Cause I gotta tell you… it has been almost 6 years and it doesn’t feel a day later than January 21, 2004.  *sigh*

 

What is your take on this?  What affects you in the Media?


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Click here to view today’s Daily Photo Blog…  Sidewalk Chalk Daily Photo Blog

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21
Sep
09

In the land of Monkey’s Mama part deux

Being a stay at home Mom is a privilege.  One that I love the opportunity of having.  It is my favorite job and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.  But it is still a JOB.  Anyone who doesn’t agree with me can meet me at the flagpole after school!!

There are days when I feel like my job duties are monotonous and draining.  And then I have the dreaded “I don’t wanna” feeling.  All Mom’s do, right?

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Well it has been raining non-stop for like 1290387412398412390 days and as I have expressed before, I *NEED* sunshine for my sanity.  When the weather gets like this I tend to start falling off in the chore department.  Laundry, house cleaning and even grocery shopping.

When I was single, I loved how on those days when I didn’t feel like grocery shopping, I could hop into my car, in my pajamas at whatever time I felt the urge, take a measly 3 bucks and get a fairly yummy dinner from my nearest fast food dump restaurant.  Then even better, no cooking and no dishes!!  Not really beneficial for my waistline but hey, what’s my waistline ever REALLY done for me?

Last week, I had to really start getting creative when it came to meals and snacks.  I have the basics to keep us going.  But I am usually so OCD that I have a list on the fridge of the meals I am going to make for the week.  Seriously.  It says on the top in bold script Meals by Mommy. 🙂

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That is how I *usually* roll.  But then the rain hits me and all I care about is laying around, reading books to Jimmy, pretending my jammies are every day clothes, and letting the minutes slowly tick by during the day.

Then every day I glance at the clock around five o’clock and go “OH SHIT! What am I going to make for dinner?!?!”  And then proceed to run around the kitchen like a nut trying to find something suitable to feed us all.  The benefit to this is that I have created some really great meals with this tactic.  Meals that Hubby has asked me to repeat.

I am starting to ramble?  Oh.  Sorry.  Here is my actual point.  YES I did have one.

All of this made me start thinking of the little things that I miss.  None of which are missed enough to give up this rockin’ Mommy job of course, but they are things that I miss.  So I am going to share some of them with you.

I miss:

  • Sleeping in (or the possibility of EVER sleeping in again)
  • Pooping alone (they should tell kids in high school about this one! That would help eliminate a LOT of teen pregnancy, don’t you think? Lol)  Although when you have the toddler and both dogs in there, you can pretend it’s a party.  How fun, right? *eyeroll*
  • Playing loud music in the car and SINGING out loud!  (and Monkey loves my singing! *sigh*)
  • Sex anywhere in the house we want, whenever we want.  (I suppose there are always naps! LOL)
  • Talking on the phone (which is the exact point in my sons head that he feels he needs to be the absolute LOUDEST he can possibly be… EVER!)
  • Sunday lazy movies days spent all day on the couch in our jammies  (now if we try to watch any movie that doesn’t have Baby PainInTheAssCauseItsAllWeEverGetToWatch Einstein on the cover, Monkey screams and hits the TV, which makes movie watching less than pleasurable)
  • Reading a book (I never thought I would have to give this up *sigh*)
  • Going out to see a movie (in a THEATER!) anytime I want.
  • Basically just having any privacy

I would love for everyone to share something they miss after becoming a Mommy.  And if you are not a Mommy, what is something you miss from… ummm… drawing a blank here… ummm…. You decide.  Kay?

Oh and thank BOB for the sun finally coming out this weekend!!  I feel much better!!  (Aside from the first trimester exhaustion, of course.)

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Got the grocery shopping done.  Got the house cleaned… err… well sort of.  Things are sort of getting back to normal around these parts.  Mommy’s gloom is clearing. 🙂

Now today we have the ultrasound at 10:15 to check on the pregnancy.  That in and of itself is going to give me a heart attack.  Pray for me.  Please!  🙂

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about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!

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my photography page:

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my validation!

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