Posts Tagged ‘cancer

25
Nov
09

What if…


…my stepdad hadn’t gotten sick?

Would my Mom be happy now?  What would my sons name be?  Would I have gone to that Christmas party in his place and met my husband?

…all of my past pregnancies had worked out?

I would have 6 kids with a 7th on the way.  But would any of them be my perfect Monkey?

…we had stayed in Denver and decided not to move to Texarkana?

Would we still be living in a tiny apartment and sending Monkey to daycare each day?

…my ex hadn’t been such a douche?

Would I have still left him and found the love of my life?

…the guys at the plant hadn’t seen a sap while I was pregnant?

Would I still have taken Daisy home with us even after Hubby protested?

Watching this Flash Forward lately has me thinking.   Some people really believe that our life is a pre destined set of events.  I don’t know that I believe that.  Sometimes maybe I do a little but for the most part I really don’t.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason.  I really believe that.  Not because of some pre-mapped life but because I think that everything makes something else occur.  If any of the what if’s above had happened, then my life wouldn’t be where it is right now.  It would be changed and different.

Would I have missed the opportunity to meet my husband if my step dad hadn’t been too sick to go to the Christmas party because of Chemo?

If I hadn’t had miscarriage after miscarriage, would I even be with my husband now if I had 3 kids with my ex?

Would I be able to afford to stay home with Monkey each day if we hadn’t taken the opportunity to move here?

It all boils down to 3 very simple statements.

I have a wonderful sexy husband that would do anything for us.

Our son is truly one kick ass baby boy.

Our two fur babies will always have my heart.

This is my family.  Even if it is in this town that I hate, this is my family.  And if any of those what if’s had come to fruition, would I be in these shoes now?  It’s scary to think that I wouldn’t be.

What events could have kept you from where you are now?  What are you truly thankful for?


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Click here to view today’s Daily Photo Blog… Sliding Daily Photo Blog

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12
Nov
09

The “C” Word

 

We all know I am a TV junkie.  But this is not a blog about TV or my unbalanced obsession with the electronic box in my living room.

I LOVE watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC.  But lately I am having a really rough time watching it.

Kitty McCallister played by Calista Flockhart, has Cancer.  Or more specifically, she has Lymphoma.  I have so much trouble dealing with Cancer or watching someone go through that, even if it is just acting on television.  It just hits too close to home for me to be comfortable.  And then even though I love watching, my brain is begging me to turn off anything showing the dreaded “C”.

My fears are not born out of me being crazy.  Ok, well maybe some of them are.  But this fear, the fear of Cancer, is experience based.

Some of you who have followed me from MySpace have already read this blog.  I hope that you will take a quick moment to read it now and come back.

Let me not mourn…

My stepdad, Jim, was an amazing man.  He was an amazing father who loved unconditionally.  We were lucky to have him in our life.  But then he got Cancer.

He was sick for two and a half years and then he died.  Just like that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a man, was gone.

Cancer did that.  I was there when he took his final breath.  It’s a moment that I wish I could banish from my memory forever.  But no matter what I do, when I close my eyes, there it is.  It was horrific.   I hated living through it and I never want to live through it again.

They say you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  Sometimes, it’s true.  But then sometimes once you lose something you grow this irrational fear.  And even though you haven’t lost another someone, that fear overwhelms you.  That fear that you ‘could’ lose them.

I don’t have a fear of myself getting Cancer.  And I even had a brush with cervical Cancer a few years ago.  But I am not scared of getting it.  I don’t know why.  My fear is that someone I love will get it.  Someone that I need.  Someone that I don’t want to die.  And any time I hear of someone, anyone, fictitious or otherwise, having Cancer, or God forbid, dying of Cancer, I freak out.  My brain goes crazy with fear.

Watching this show brings it all back to me.  It’s horrible.  Just watching it, puts this ache in my stomach.  Watching her go through having cancer, watching how her family is dealing with the news.  Even watching her going to chemo.  Ugh.  I want to turn it off.  But I don’t want to miss the show.

Death on TV or Film does the exact same thing.  There I am transported back there.  That feeling of loss is like a fresh wound all over again.

I wonder if it will always be this way.  Will I always cry when someone on the screen gets cancer or dies?  Will it ever get easier?  Cause I gotta tell you… it has been almost 6 years and it doesn’t feel a day later than January 21, 2004.  *sigh*

 

What is your take on this?  What affects you in the Media?


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Click here to view today’s Daily Photo Blog…  Sidewalk Chalk Daily Photo Blog




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about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!

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my photography page:

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my validation!

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