I have learned that the toddler wants what the toddler wants. If you have had or have a toddler, you know what this means. If not… well then I can’t really explain it to you. Go borrow someone’s toddler for 2 minutes and you will get it.
I have learned that if you are looking for your cell phone, the chances are good that Monkey hid it. Not for any reason that you can figure out. But there is a chance he will retrieve it when asked. From places like his toy box, behind the TV and under his bed. But there is also a chance that he won’t. And that you will find it underneath your pillow, in the kitchen cabinet or in the hamper. Regardless, be on alert at all times.
I have learned that if you make a #2 in the “big girl potty”, and your toddler happens to walk into the bathroom during or after the “occurrence”, you will not feel less embarrassed when he says “Ewwww!” even though it is only you and he in the room.
I have learned that my toddler is VERY territorial about food. To “mark” his territory, he will take a bite out of everything that he wants and then set it down to ensure nobody else wants takes the item.. This includes all veggies that he thinks YOU will eat. Or crackers, or MOMMY’S cookies.
I have learned that I cannot force my toddler to like ice cream just so I have an excuse to buy it even if I really think he should so I don’t eat it all cause it tastes so yummy. And that in the world of what is yummy, he would prefer a juice box over ice cream any day. Go figure. (I know, what a weirdo, right?)
I have learned that when you are giving your toddler a bath and you hear this series of noises…
“Hee hee heeee!”
“Hee He He He Heeee!”
…It will be soon be followed with you having to bleach the tub and all the tub toys and washing your toddler in the bathroom sink all over again from head to toe. Oh yeah, good times.
I have learned that letting your toddler stand behind you on your office chair while you play computer games work isn’t a good plan even though he screams bloody frickin murder if you don’t let him really wants to. Because the truth is, lets face it, he inherited your balance and when he freakishly falls for no apparent reason face fist into the dresser drawer that is only open less than a half inch and puts a HOLE IN HIS FACE…. *deep breath* … you are going to feel like the worse mother ON THE PLANET.
Oh and then you will have to rush him to the ER and they will hold him down like a crazy murderer while they “FLUSH” his forehead with a fire hose! (ok maybe it was just saline) but I bet it FELT like a fire hose! And then they will use SUPER GLUE (medical grade super glue) to G.L.U.E. his forehead back together!!!
And then his perfect little face will forever bear the big ole sign telling the whole world “YOU ARE THE WORST MORTHER IN THE UNIVERSE!!!”
Or maybe he is just a boy and you need to get over yourself and suck it up cause I got a feeling there are more stitches and glue in our future with this one.
I have learned that 2 years goes by in a FLASH and that before you know it you turn around and you only have FOUR days until your precious Monkey has his second birthday! *gasp*