We all know I am a TV junkie. But this is not a blog about TV or my unbalanced obsession with the electronic box in my living room.
I LOVE watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC. But lately I am having a really rough time watching it.
Kitty McCallister played by Calista Flockhart, has Cancer. Or more specifically, she has Lymphoma. I have so much trouble dealing with Cancer or watching someone go through that, even if it is just acting on television. It just hits too close to home for me to be comfortable. And then even though I love watching, my brain is begging me to turn off anything showing the dreaded “C”.
My fears are not born out of me being crazy. Ok, well maybe some of them are. But this fear, the fear of Cancer, is experience based.
Some of you who have followed me from MySpace have already read this blog. I hope that you will take a quick moment to read it now and come back.
My stepdad, Jim, was an amazing man. He was an amazing father who loved unconditionally. We were lucky to have him in our life. But then he got Cancer.
He was sick for two and a half years and then he died. Just like that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a man, was gone.
Cancer did that. I was there when he took his final breath. It’s a moment that I wish I could banish from my memory forever. But no matter what I do, when I close my eyes, there it is. It was horrific. I hated living through it and I never want to live through it again.
They say you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Sometimes, it’s true. But then sometimes once you lose something you grow this irrational fear. And even though you haven’t lost another someone, that fear overwhelms you. That fear that you ‘could’ lose them.
I don’t have a fear of myself getting Cancer. And I even had a brush with cervical Cancer a few years ago. But I am not scared of getting it. I don’t know why. My fear is that someone I love will get it. Someone that I need. Someone that I don’t want to die. And any time I hear of someone, anyone, fictitious or otherwise, having Cancer, or God forbid, dying of Cancer, I freak out. My brain goes crazy with fear.
Watching this show brings it all back to me. It’s horrible. Just watching it, puts this ache in my stomach. Watching her go through having cancer, watching how her family is dealing with the news. Even watching her going to chemo. Ugh. I want to turn it off. But I don’t want to miss the show.
Death on TV or Film does the exact same thing. There I am transported back there. That feeling of loss is like a fresh wound all over again.
I wonder if it will always be this way. Will I always cry when someone on the screen gets cancer or dies? Will it ever get easier? Cause I gotta tell you… it has been almost 6 years and it doesn’t feel a day later than January 21, 2004. *sigh*
What is your take on this? What affects you in the Media?
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