The “C” Word


We all know I am a TV junkie.  But this is not a blog about TV or my unbalanced obsession with the electronic box in my living room.

I LOVE watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC.  But lately I am having a really rough time watching it.

Kitty McCallister played by Calista Flockhart, has Cancer.  Or more specifically, she has Lymphoma.  I have so much trouble dealing with Cancer or watching someone go through that, even if it is just acting on television.  It just hits too close to home for me to be comfortable.  And then even though I love watching, my brain is begging me to turn off anything showing the dreaded “C”.

My fears are not born out of me being crazy.  Ok, well maybe some of them are.  But this fear, the fear of Cancer, is experience based.

Some of you who have followed me from MySpace have already read this blog.  I hope that you will take a quick moment to read it now and come back.

Let me not mourn…

My stepdad, Jim, was an amazing man.  He was an amazing father who loved unconditionally.  We were lucky to have him in our life.  But then he got Cancer.

He was sick for two and a half years and then he died.  Just like that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a man, was gone.

Cancer did that.  I was there when he took his final breath.  It’s a moment that I wish I could banish from my memory forever.  But no matter what I do, when I close my eyes, there it is.  It was horrific.   I hated living through it and I never want to live through it again.

They say you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  Sometimes, it’s true.  But then sometimes once you lose something you grow this irrational fear.  And even though you haven’t lost another someone, that fear overwhelms you.  That fear that you ‘could’ lose them.

I don’t have a fear of myself getting Cancer.  And I even had a brush with cervical Cancer a few years ago.  But I am not scared of getting it.  I don’t know why.  My fear is that someone I love will get it.  Someone that I need.  Someone that I don’t want to die.  And any time I hear of someone, anyone, fictitious or otherwise, having Cancer, or God forbid, dying of Cancer, I freak out.  My brain goes crazy with fear.

Watching this show brings it all back to me.  It’s horrible.  Just watching it, puts this ache in my stomach.  Watching her go through having cancer, watching how her family is dealing with the news.  Even watching her going to chemo.  Ugh.  I want to turn it off.  But I don’t want to miss the show.

Death on TV or Film does the exact same thing.  There I am transported back there.  That feeling of loss is like a fresh wound all over again.

I wonder if it will always be this way.  Will I always cry when someone on the screen gets cancer or dies?  Will it ever get easier?  Cause I gotta tell you… it has been almost 6 years and it doesn’t feel a day later than January 21, 2004.  *sigh*


What is your take on this?  What affects you in the Media?

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15 Responses to “The “C” Word”

  1. November 12, 2009 at 2:49 am

    Silly girl – you’re not afraid of cancer – you’re afraid of losing those close to you.. Your fear just manifests in such a way that it associates cancer with death, when that’s not always the case.

    I, do, however, know how you feel. I’m not very close to the women in my family, for a variety of reasons I, myself, don’t even seem to understand. My grandfather, though, I was the light in his eyes. That man did so much for me, it was unreal… and, I never got the opportunity to grow up enough to tell him how much he meant to me. My 13th birthday was spent in a car, driving to Tulsa to see him in the hospital. I was afraid of him in that bed, and I didn’t visit enough. I didn’t really understand the weight of the situation, at all. I was fearful the last time I saw him. I gave him a hug, but even then, I was afraid. He died eleven days after my 13th birthday from cancer, caused by a variety of things, but mainly cigarettes. He lived a full life, but I wish he could have been around for more of mine. He was, at times, the only person in this family on my side, in a family where no one else seems to be. We didn’t get two and a half years to say goodbye.

    It doesn’t, for me, get any easier when I think about him, but what does make it easier for me is knowing and having faith that he watches over me and that we talk and that, at unexpected moments, he’ll let me know he’s around.

    As for what affects me in the media, I have to tell you… and I’ma preface this by saying I don’t think Chris Brown is an innocent man or a victim, himself. I think he’s an asshole who deserved a minimum of six months in jail for what he did. But, what I also don’t like is this free pass that Rihanna seems to be getting… I don’t like how she is manipulating the media, now, when her new album is going to drop in less than two weeks. I don’t like the timing of her interview, because I think it’s self-serving and hypocritical. I think if she really cared about her fans, that interview would have been conducted just after his sentencing or just prior to it, not two and a half weeks before her album is released. The fact is, she’s not given one interview and then told the rest of the media, “hey, I told my story, I’m not going to talk about it further…” the fact is, she’s using what happened to her to make money and become more famous. And bringing up her corporate sponsorships in that interview was just another hint that it was all marketing related. I truly can’t stand when people then accuse you of not thinking that Chris Brown is an asshole.

    I also can’t stand half of the bullshit (pardon my language) propagated by Hollywood. I have plenty of stories of the what some of those people are like behind the scenes… especially “America’s Sweetheart”… her media manipulation tactics are legendary in the business and can easily be ascertained if you pay close attention to her, but I can’t talk about it. All I can say is all of what is put out about her or more precisely about 98% of what is out there, is manufactured by her peeps. Leak and deny is a standard tactic to keep her in the public eye. Then, she goes crying on a talk show host’s stage about how horrible the media is, and all I can do is roll my eyes. Her “relationships” aren’t relationships… and a lot of hollywood does have contractual relationships for a variety of reasons.

    I guess, at the end of the day, I hate people who manipulated the media for personal gain of fame and wealth. I’m not a girl who thinks money is the end all be all, though.

    WOW – sorry for the miniblog in your comments… ;o(

    I hope, for you, though, it does get better… and I hope you can come to peace with the fact that you got to say goodbye.

    • 2 Big Mama Cass
      November 12, 2009 at 2:05 pm

      You are so right. It is the death that I am scared of. The loss.

      I see where you are coming from on the Rhianna/Chris Brown thing. But I disagree. I think as a celebrity, she is doing what makes the most sense. Where as she didn’t want to talk about it, and I don’t blame her, but then her publicist probably said “you have to have an interview before the album is released or you will lose fans” because that is what would have happened. I thought her interview was awesome. I even wrote her a letter on my Dear So and So blog for tomorrow.

      Interesting perspective though, thanks! 🙂

      And I LOVED your mini-blog. You are always welcome to say whatever you feel on my blog. And to respond to your tweet… I do NOT delete comments unless they are just uncalled for attacks. But I won’t for any other reason.


  2. November 12, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I thought I was just having one of my infamous anxiety attacks on Sunday night while I watched Brothers and Sisters although I knew the cancer storyline was what was freaking me out. It’s hard for me to sit and watch when I use TV as my escape and it is just hitting way too close to home. I’ve watched many of my family succumb to this horrible disease and to then have to watch Kitty take this one with a young son to still raise freaks me out. I find myself not afraid of dying but afraid of leaving my kids before my job is done. I want to be there when they have their first boyfriends, graduate from HS, off to college, getting married, having babies and the thought of maybe not being able to see all of this brings me to my knees. But then I also look from the perspective of Nora and I never want to be in the position of having to watch one of my children going through this either. And OMG I need a Xanax NOW!!

    I read your post about your dad and you and I have so much in common… My post about my dad… http://pixiedreams8.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/two-years-without-him/

    It’s amazing what life hands us and yet we manage to make it out the other side somewhat intact!

    • 4 Big Mama Cass
      November 12, 2009 at 2:09 pm

      Thank you soooo much for your comment. I will go read your blog about your dad now. I really appreciate your perspective. It’s kind of a good feeling to know that someone else gets it the way I get it. Even though it’s not good. If that makes sense. Thank you Michelle!

  3. November 12, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Cancer is my biggest disease fear. I do’nt even want to talk about it.

  4. November 12, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Im sorry your sweet heart is hurting…


    Sorry… bit of terets there…

    Be blessed girl!

  5. November 12, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    With you on this. My hubby’s mom and uncle died of cancer. I worry for his health (my hubby) a lot. He does all kinds of preventative testing and tries to control diet and exercise but it is still scary!! I am not scared of getting it either but I worry it will take away someone I need and love too!!

  6. November 12, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    well, a serious blog deserves a little humor, hope it’s not totally inappropriate….

    I watch too, and that Frenchy guy invokes all kinds of emotions in me, yum.

    So I say, watch just for the warm fuzzy, moisties he gives.


    • 12 Big Mama Cass
      November 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm

      Ohhhh sooooooo moisties!!! *rawwwwwr*

      Yes yes yes!

      And there is NEVER a time when humor is inappropriate in my world. Thanks Stacie!!

  7. November 12, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    We all have fears in our life. But one thing we must remember: we should not live with it. 🙂

Comments are currently closed.


about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!


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