**UPDATED** Today kinda blows

*****This blog is emotional, a bit graphic, a bit gross, a bit whiny, not my usual humorous self and even TMI.  Proceed at your own risk.  You have been warned.*****

Friday morning I went into the doctor to get a beta pregnancy check to see what my HCG levels were.  After sitting around until just before noon on pins and needles, I finally got a call from the doctor telling me that indeed my levels had gone up and that my pregnancy was viable and doing well.

I was over the moon with joy.

Friday evening I went into the bathroom to draw Monkey a bath and decided to go to the bathroom while I waited for the tub to fill.  Something I do often.  This time was different than the others.  And that’s when I saw it.

I was spotting.  Not bad.  But not good.  I was petrified.

Saturday morning I called the doctor when the spotting increased to blood.  It wasn’t a lot of blood but I was beginning to cramp and was really getting concerned.  I just knew I was losing the pregnancy.  The doctor reassured me that it was most likely nothing as my levels had increased and presented that I did indeed have a healthy pregnancy.  He put me on semi-bed rest and told me to come in Monday morning to run another beta.

Saturday the blood got worse and then in the afternoon suddenly, as if by magic, the bleeding and the cramping stopped.  There were still some drops here and there but I felt this sense of calm flow over me and telling me that everything was going to be ok.  I went to bed and slept like a baby.  Better than I had slept all week.

Sunday morning, before I even opened my eyes, my heart sank.  I could feel that I was bleeding again.  And this time it was worse.  I rushed in to the bathroom only to confirm my fear.  It was like a nightmare.  I just wanted to go back to bed again and wake up from this bad dream.

I called the doctor again.  He again told me not to worry.  That he had seen pregnancies progress normally in this same situation and that there was nothing we could do until we got some blood work done on Monday.  I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok.

Then the bleeding got worse.  I knew it was over.  And yet my heart keeps praying that it is ok.  Hoping beyond hope that I am one of those rare cases of pregnant women who have heavy bleeding in their first trimester, only to go on to have healthy babies.

Then Saturday began to repeat itself.  Suddenly the blood began to slow.  The cramping stopped.  I am beside myself with worry.  I just need to know one way or another.

And through this all, I have this horrible sense of loneliness.  Last night, as I was heading to bed, my Gram was unloading the dishwasher and I said to her, “thank you for helping out around here.”  And she said, “I won’t be sympathetic with you because that will only make you feel worse.”

Was that what her and hubby were doing all weekend?  Is that why nobody has come up and hugged me and said, “I am sorry you are going through this Cass, no matter what, it is going to be ok.”?  Is that why I have felt guilty for not helping out around the house because I am supposed to be resting per the doctor’s orders?  Is that why everyone is going on about their day like nothing is different?  Is that why my heart is breaking and I feel like I am all alone at the bottom of a black well with nobody to help me out?

The thing is that I can’t even begin to understand that reaction.  If a close friend or loved one was going through this, I would be right there, holding their hand saying, “I know this hurts, but it is going to be ok.”  Why is it that I am not allowed to get the same in return?

Even more, I hate that I have to write a blog saying how I am feeling because I can’t express those feelings to anyone I love.

I won’t know anything until after I see the doctor this morning.  And then of course I will have to sit around and wait all day for the dreaded call.  The call that I just know is going to be bad news.


**UPDATE** The doctor called after my blood work and says that my numbers have indeed gone up.  The pregnancy is progressing normally.  They have no explanation for the bleeding at this point.  Another doctor appointment in the morning.  Wish me luck!



48 Responses to “**UPDATED** Today kinda blows”

  1. August 31, 2009 at 6:47 am

    I hope you were able to get some rest last night to help you through whatever today brings. I wish I had some wonderful insightful words that would bring you peace. I can tell you, though, that you’ll be close in my thoughts throughout the day.

  2. August 31, 2009 at 7:16 am

    Im so sorry. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything is still okay

  3. August 31, 2009 at 7:19 am

    I am praying for you! And I am so sorry for what you have had to go through!!! Keep us updated!

  4. August 31, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Im sorry honey 😦 you will be in my prayers today..

  5. August 31, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    My fingers are crossed for you. Sorry you feel like you had to go through this alone.

  6. August 31, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    You poor thing. I hope you find out either way soon. Waiting and worrying is no way to spend your time. I am crossing all my extremities for you, that everything will be fine.

  7. 13 lanik58
    August 31, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I am so sorry that you are going through this, I would be beside myself. I really hope everything is ok.-

  8. 15 Hubby
    August 31, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Cassandra – this is your “confused, inconsiderate, incompassionate” husband speaking. First, I would like you to know that I am deeply feeling the pain that you have been through and continue to endure. Second, it is unfortunate that you feel that you continue to go this alone. I cannot speak for Gram, however I can certainly speak for myself. When you informed me of your developing conditions and the discussions that you have had with the doctor, your husband stepped up and catered the entire weekend to allow complete and total rest for you so that “our” chances of pregnancy opportunity might prevail. Maybe you were much too concerned to notice anything but any rest that you have not received this weekend is strictly due to your sole account. If it was love, care, and compassion that you felt so deprived, well then I say excuse the hell out of me for being so damn inadequate to meet your needs. Third to last, as much as I hated to read this at all, I surely hated to read this on the internet. Second to last, you claim loneliness, I see you creating your own loneliness – there is not a damn thing that I say or do that moves you otherwise. Finally, I apologize to all your readers that they must be subjected to this trash. I thought I was doing right. Why did you draw this line? Why? How do we cross back? How? What is your purpose here? What? If my comfort is not what is expected and you are in need of comfort from others then so be it, just please tell me first.

    Definitively and Truly Hurt,

  9. August 31, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Oh my gosh! I was preparing for the worse. I’m so glad you’re OK and the baby is OK>

  10. August 31, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Oh man. The lessons as a new blogger.

    I have made this mistake (RE: Hubby’s comment) and, as you are entitled to your feelings… you also need to make those you are upset with privy to your feelings BEFORE writing it.

    It hurts worse to read it than to hear it.

    In regard to you feeling alone in this … I have been there and to be honest, those closest to you are going to be damned if they do and damned if they don’t. You may THINK you want to be hugged and coddled and told how sorry they are you are going through this … but I bet if that happened, all you would want them to do is leave you the hell alone.

    I bet you are more loved than you realize. Cause, if you weren’t … would you be trying so hard to have another baby with him? Prolly not.

    Lesson learned. And, even if they don’t listen… TELL them how you feel. At least then you can tell them to fuck off when you DO blog about it and they get mad reading it. 🙂

    Love you girl and I am ALWAYS here to listen if you need.

    • 24 Cass
      August 31, 2009 at 3:55 pm

      Thanks Court! You are right, I should have talked to him prior to blogging about it. I just felt he wouldn’t listen. You are probably right about being coddled, but at the time that I wrote this I felt alone and wrote it that way.

      Thank you for your insightful words girl!! As always 🙂

  11. August 31, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I am so happy you got good news!!!!

  12. August 31, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Woohoo! So glad the numbers went up!!
    I was told early in my pregnancy that my baby’s heartbeat was too slow and i would probably lose the pregnancy. Also my hcg count wasnt doubling, it was going up but not at the rate that is “textbook”… well, i was completely freaked out for weeks – of course – but there was a happy ending and I went on to have a normal pregnancy and a beautiful healthy girl! I KNOW how hard it is but just try to stay positive. God has you and your little developing baby in His Almighty hands. 🙂 hugs

  13. August 31, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    For starters, I’m so, so relieved about the pregnancy. That’s first and foremost. As for the rest, I’m going to say it here so there is no misunderstanding. The big lessons here for both of you are done and dusted. I’m sure he understands there are reasons you felt unsupported, and I’m sure you understand the same and how he can feel blindsided by this blog. Communication is the key to this whole matter.

    The fact is, women and men view “love and support” very differently. A man may think you should feel supported if he changes your oil and fixes the kitchen sink. Women support by listening and hugging and just BEING there. In the end, it always seems easier to complain about what you’re NOT getting, than having the courage to ask for what you need. I’m no exception. And I’ve learned this time and time again when I was exasperated with my man and it took a big blowout, tears and recrimination just to get to the real heart of the matter: “Why didn’t you just SAY so? I’m not a mind-reader!”

    Sometimes we need to leave more than breadcrumbs for each other. We need to spell things out. I hope this helps and doesn’t sound preachy or bitchy or anything. I’m only saying all this because I’ve been there. I think we all have. I send big hugs, and I’ll talk to you soon xoxo

  14. 31 lanik58
    August 31, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    I feel like I am all up in your bid’ness here, but as a woman, I don’t know if it’s possible to NOT feel kind of lonely when you think you may possibly be losing a pregnancy.. I don’t know if there’s anything anybody can say or do to alleviate that, you are the only on in those shoes. My husband loved our babies too when I was pg, but I did feel like I was alone in a lot of ways.. it was a high risk pregnancy with much higher chances of miscarrying so it was very emotionally stressful, but I felt I was the one bearing the stress and the worry- of course I was, it was my body! I guess what I’m saying is to a degree, the loneliness is natural, not necessarily anybody’s fault.. in times like this I think we just need to cut each other some slack.
    that said…. yahoo! glad everything is ok with the baby!

  15. September 1, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    I am so sorry you went through such a scare. Much love, luck and blessings your way.

    I am so glad to read the update!

  16. September 1, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    I had some bleeding issues with my first, er second (I had a miscarriage before my daughter) pregnancy. It was a blood clot that was being pushed out by the placenta trying to attach itself. After a while the bleeding stopped and today I have an almost 9 year old daughter from that pregnancy.

    I am glad to hear your numbers are going up, that’s a good sign. Have they done an ultrasound to see a heartbeat?

    • 36 Cass
      September 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm

      wow!! I wonder if that is something similar to what I have. Thank you so much for sharing that!! No heartbeat yet. I am only about 5 weeks along. We will have to wait a bit longer to do an ultrasound.

  17. September 1, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    oh a lanik58, hit it on the head.

  18. September 1, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Tuesday’s blog disappeared?

    Will it be making a reappearance?

    So gald that you’re still pregnant… sounds like you’re on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.. I’m sure someone mentioned it up in the comments above, but you’re probably also highly hormonal… (new hormones entering into your own stream)… just try to take a deep breath – cut others slack and make sure you include yourself in that, as well.. We are all only human… we all make mistakes and usually when we need people the most.

    • 40 Cass
      September 2, 2009 at 3:23 pm

      No, this is Tuesday’s blog. Just with an update 🙂 Nothing disappeared. Sorry to cause issues in the readers and such.

      Thank you!! I am so glad. It has been a lot of up and down but there are so many other wonderful things to focus on in my life that I will just hope and pray for the best and we shall see! 🙂 You’re right, I need to work on my slack for SURE! 🙂

  19. September 1, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Hi, Cass —

    I’m sorry you had such a scary and unpleasant experience. I hope that it goes well with the doctor. We are all with you, so you’re not alone in this.

  20. September 1, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Hope it stays all good news from here out.

  21. September 2, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Aww Cass, I’m glad to hear the update and that everything is going well. Sorry to hear it upset the hubs…I hope things get better for you. It’s hard…and it’s hard to be grateful in the state that you are in. You’re pregnant and your hormones are whacked at the moment, but it will get better…be positive and keep your chin up!!

    • 46 Cass
      September 2, 2009 at 3:26 pm


      I tend to be a little bitchy…err.. ok a LOT bitchy when I don’t get my way so I lash out. Poor hubs is usually the lashing out-ee. 😦

  22. September 2, 2009 at 11:52 am

    I wish you all the luck in the world and if I were there I’d give you an enormous hug. I’m sorry your dealing with this, I can only imagine how scary it must be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m glad to read that everything is progressing normally. Could just be a be fluke. Hang in there!


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about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!


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