Regret is a shitty feeling…


We used to live with this guy who turned out to be kinda a schmo.  There wasn’t anything specific that he did so much as a course of events that caused me to lose a great deal of respect for him.  Then one thing after another and before I knew it I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.  Or him.  So we moved away and really didn’t talk to him since.  My husband was good friends with him prior to our “falling out” of sorts and even his relationship changed.  Which I regret because I feel it was mostly my fault.

I was just griping about him to hubby the other day.  We put together a really nice gift for him when we were living in Wisconsin.  Hubby we put a lot of thought into the gift.  It was some wine and cheeses and things for wine and cheese.  One item in the basket was a really nice bamboo cutting board for him to cut his cheeses with the fancy cheese knives we also got him.

When we were in Wisconsin for the 4th of July this year, we stayed at the same house that we used to live in.  The expensive bamboo cutting board that we gave him for Christmas was on the counter in the kitchen.  It broke my heart pissed me off.  He was the last one to leave the house and clearly left it behind.  The thing is that, it’s just a cutting board, and I get that but it was like… RUDE!

Anyway… He works for the same company my husband works for which is also the same company my mom works for.   (I used to work there too.) So while we were back in Denver visiting when Monkey was only about 4 months old, we went into the office for a visit to show the new baby around to everyone in the Denver office. 

I know I am rambling, just follow me here.

So when we went to visit everyone in the office.  Dan (aka Schmo) came up to us to say hello.  I kinda gave him the cold shoulder.  I didn’t say anything rude or anything.  I even looked in his direction, nodded, smiled and simply said, “Hey.” But never did I show him the baby or say “hey here is Jimmy, come meet him” or anything equally nice.

That day has always kind of haunted me.  It came up on more than one occasion in conversation with hubby that I felt I handled it all wrong.  I have no idea why I acted like a dumb 13 year old and I really regret it.  I always thought like maybe I should email him or call him or something to apologize.  Not to apologize for feeling the way I do about him but for treating him like that.  It was wrong and I hate that I did it.  I am ashamed.  But of course, I never got around to sending that email or making that call.

So I get an email from my mother the other day and was like OMG because my Mom and I aren’t talking.  (That is another blog for another time.) The email was sent to Hubby and me.  All my mother wrote was “I didn’t know if anyone had contacted you guys yet so I am sending this email on to you.” The attached email was about Dan.

Sent: Thu Jul 30 17:34:01 2009
Subject: Dan’s Condition

I spoke with David, Dan’s brother, this afternoon. He is in Colorado at his brother’s side. He gave me a run down on what happened to Dan.  Dan was taken to the hospital on Tuesday suffering from a stroke or brain hemorrhage.  He became unconscious once at the hospital and had brain surgery that same night. He remains unconscious and prognosis in unknown.

More as soon as I find out.  Please keep Dan in your prayers.  Thanks.

Words cannot even begin to explain how horrible and helpless I feel.  Dan is still unconscious as of today.  He suffered a major stroke.  The prognosis is not good.  The best case scenario is that if he wakes up he will only have minimal paralysis on his left side and unknown brain damage.  The rehabilitation if he wakes up is going to be astronomical.

Once upon a time, Dan and I were friends.  I like to think we were fairly good friends.  We shared secrets and bits of intimate information.  One thing I do know is that if Dan wakes up to paralysis of any kind he will be very unhappy.  He used to have vertigo.  They weren’t positive why he had it but the doctors believed it was some sort of inner ear issue.  The vertigo changed his life.  He hated how it changed him.  He was miserable that he couldn’t hike, camp and enjoy the mountains the way he once had.  He was all about the outdoors.  But the vertigo changed all that.  He once said that it was his own personal “Prison” of which he could not escape. I will never forget that.  Knowing now that if Dan wakes up at all, he will be subject to more of that personal prison, makes my heart ache.  I ache because I never said what I should have said.  I ache because he doesn’t deserve this, just like he didn’t deserve my cold shoulder.

If you are religious at all, or if you are just a positive thinker.  Please.  Say a prayer for Dan.  Cross your fingers.  Think positive.  Hope.  Please.  For Dan.  Because he really deserves it.




16 Responses to “Regret is a shitty feeling…”

  1. August 3, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    ah regret is the absolute fucking worst.

  2. August 3, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Oh this is a hard lesson to learn. I will pray for him. And I hope you can forgive yourself because we all make really ridiculous mistakes.

  3. August 3, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    I would write him a letter. If you are unable to get to him… write it. TELL him why you were upset, but also tell him why you realize that the reason is not worth the loss of his life.

    If he makes it, send it to him. If he doesnt… well, I would place it at his place of rest.

    I am sorry you are dealing with this. 😦

  4. August 3, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    I hope Dan recovers, this is tragic for him.

    (and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not liking him or whatever it is you do feel about him)

    • 8 Cass
      August 3, 2009 at 9:00 pm

      It isn’t guilt about not liking him so much as guilt over acting like a bonehead. I am not proud of how I acted and it always was there in the back of my head bothering me. Then getting the news that he is in a coma now makes me feel like karma is just getting me back for being a bitch. *shrug* 😦

  5. August 3, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    This is a tough one….Hoping that if he does make it through, that he will be able to live his life and not be trapped in his body. What a horrible a situation…You are not alone in acting like a bonehead, believe me!!!

  6. August 3, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    So sad…I hope he pulls through. And don’t be too hard on yourself. We have all been asses at least once. In my case, so many more…LOL

    Coming over from SITS with a big HELLO & Welcome!

    • 12 Cass
      August 3, 2009 at 11:01 pm

      Thanks Aubrey! That is so true. I have many times. But it doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  7. 13 chuck
    August 3, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Babe…I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I like the letter idea. Either way, he knows deep down that you love him and I know deep down that you love him and I also know that he loves you. Write him a letter. I think I will too. Thanks for your wise insight LivingWicked.

  8. August 4, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    I will be positively thinking for him, I promise. And for you- I’m so sorry! That’s such a tough position to be in- feeling completely helpless. xo

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about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!


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