**UPDATED** Today kinda blows

*****This blog is emotional, a bit graphic, a bit gross, a bit whiny, not my usual humorous self and even TMI.  Proceed at your own risk.  You have been warned.*****

Friday morning I went into the doctor to get a beta pregnancy check to see what my HCG levels were.  After sitting around until just before noon on pins and needles, I finally got a call from the doctor telling me that indeed my levels had gone up and that my pregnancy was viable and doing well.

I was over the moon with joy.

Friday evening I went into the bathroom to draw Monkey a bath and decided to go to the bathroom while I waited for the tub to fill.  Something I do often.  This time was different than the others.  And that’s when I saw it.

I was spotting.  Not bad.  But not good.  I was petrified.

Saturday morning I called the doctor when the spotting increased to blood.  It wasn’t a lot of blood but I was beginning to cramp and was really getting concerned.  I just knew I was losing the pregnancy.  The doctor reassured me that it was most likely nothing as my levels had increased and presented that I did indeed have a healthy pregnancy.  He put me on semi-bed rest and told me to come in Monday morning to run another beta.

Saturday the blood got worse and then in the afternoon suddenly, as if by magic, the bleeding and the cramping stopped.  There were still some drops here and there but I felt this sense of calm flow over me and telling me that everything was going to be ok.  I went to bed and slept like a baby.  Better than I had slept all week.

Sunday morning, before I even opened my eyes, my heart sank.  I could feel that I was bleeding again.  And this time it was worse.  I rushed in to the bathroom only to confirm my fear.  It was like a nightmare.  I just wanted to go back to bed again and wake up from this bad dream.

I called the doctor again.  He again told me not to worry.  That he had seen pregnancies progress normally in this same situation and that there was nothing we could do until we got some blood work done on Monday.  I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok.

Then the bleeding got worse.  I knew it was over.  And yet my heart keeps praying that it is ok.  Hoping beyond hope that I am one of those rare cases of pregnant women who have heavy bleeding in their first trimester, only to go on to have healthy babies.

Then Saturday began to repeat itself.  Suddenly the blood began to slow.  The cramping stopped.  I am beside myself with worry.  I just need to know one way or another.

And through this all, I have this horrible sense of loneliness.  Last night, as I was heading to bed, my Gram was unloading the dishwasher and I said to her, “thank you for helping out around here.”  And she said, “I won’t be sympathetic with you because that will only make you feel worse.”

Was that what her and hubby were doing all weekend?  Is that why nobody has come up and hugged me and said, “I am sorry you are going through this Cass, no matter what, it is going to be ok.”?  Is that why I have felt guilty for not helping out around the house because I am supposed to be resting per the doctor’s orders?  Is that why everyone is going on about their day like nothing is different?  Is that why my heart is breaking and I feel like I am all alone at the bottom of a black well with nobody to help me out?

The thing is that I can’t even begin to understand that reaction.  If a close friend or loved one was going through this, I would be right there, holding their hand saying, “I know this hurts, but it is going to be ok.”  Why is it that I am not allowed to get the same in return?

Even more, I hate that I have to write a blog saying how I am feeling because I can’t express those feelings to anyone I love.

I won’t know anything until after I see the doctor this morning.  And then of course I will have to sit around and wait all day for the dreaded call.  The call that I just know is going to be bad news.

*sigh*

**UPDATE** The doctor called after my blood work and says that my numbers have indeed gone up.  The pregnancy is progressing normally.  They have no explanation for the bleeding at this point.  Another doctor appointment in the morning.  Wish me luck!

Even “Old Blogs” can find a new home…

Happy Saturday!!

So, I have decided to move my blogs over from MySpace.  I didn’t even know I could do that until the lovely Mary** informed me that indeed I could.  And she was even cool enough to tell me how to do it!  As luck would have it, I will be doing a LOT of copy and paste.  YAY ME!! 🙂

**Please make sure to check out Mary’s new blog Tales From the Dork Side.  She is funny and well worth a read.

So over the next few weekends, you are going to see a lot of posts come up that are OLD.  If you want to read them, please do.  Comment even.  *she says while batting her eyelashes* Don’t feel obligated though.  I have been trying to figure out how to do it and now am fairly excited that I finally can.  Even though it is going to be time consuming and a pain in the ass. *grin*

So hope you don’t mind, cause it may be a bit weird.  I am going to go backwards.  Posting the most current first and working my way back.  Most of what you are going to see is Photography Blogs.  Which of COURSE are AMAZING, cause yes I am so freaking awesome!  Right? Show of hands? lol

Have a great weekend!!

Happy Random Ranting Dear So and So!

——————————————–

Dear Random Reader,

I am sorry that when you searched for “urinate front yard” you found my blog.

Sucks to be a friggin weirdo you,

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Baby to be,

Hi!  Even though you are only an itty bitty little blob of cells right now, I am SOOOO glad you are growing now.  I am sending lots and lots of prayer and crossed fingers and hopeful, positive, happy vibes your way.  Keep growing like you are.

Meet you next year,

Mommy

——————————————–

Dear Doctor,

Even though I kinda want to strangle you most of the time.  Right now you seemed to have proved me wrong and indeed have helped me achieve my goal.  Now I don’t have to run you over if you walk in front of my car.

You win,

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Gram,

I am so sorry that I am so boring and that your three week visit is consisting of grocery shopping, watching me cook dinner, watching me feed the baby, and watching me change the baby, and watching me chase the baby, and watching me put the baby in time-out AGAIN.  Feel free to clean when you are bored, that is *ahem* what I do.  *nod*

Boring,

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Monkey,

Ya know how sometimes Mommy’s face gets bright red and steam comes out of her ears and she looks like her head is going to explode?  And how sometimes she throws herself on the floor and starts kicking and screaming and… oh wait… silly Mommy!  That isn’t Mommy who throws herself on the floor… that is YOUUUUUUUU.  But in case you were wondering… THAT is why Mommy’s face gets bright red and steam comes out of her ears and why she looks like her head is going to explode.  Keep that in mind in case Mommy’s head suddenly goes boom.

So loving this lovely terrible two phase that we are entering together,

Mommy

——————————————–

Dear Cass,

Why must you giggle like a school girl when you read your stats?  Is it just because for the last FOUR days, yes FOUR DAYS in a row, you have had exactly 69 views?  It is coinsidence?  Yeah I didn’t think so either.

Giggle if you must,

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Readers,
Thank you for putting up with me for another week. I do hope that you chose to participate in Dear So and So. Just click here to go to Kat’s Blog and get the button for your page.
Have a fantastic weekend!!!
Thanks for reading!!
Xoxo

Honest Shit…err Scrap Award :)

Sorry… I had to mess with the title.  It made me laugh.

So I got this cool AWARD from Brandie of The Rudy Family Rukus on Tuesday.  This would be my first award.  As well as my first knowledge of the possibility of an award.  I haven’t had time to prepare a speech but… first I would like to thank all my fans… oh …lol.  Just kidding.

I haven’t had a chance to get back to it until now… Sorry Brandie!  To read the original blog from Brandie, please go here.

The rules are to pass this on to 7 bloggers who I feel are honest in their blogging and list 10 honest things about myself. So here goes!!

So here are my 10 honest fun facts.  Some are already known.  I am not secretive about much.  Clearly.  So here is my list.

1.  I am oddly afraid of creepy crawly spiders.  Actually all creepy crawly things.    Example:  Today, while sitting  in my living room, I saw something slither on the floor.  Freaking out I called my neighbor cause hubby was still at work.  Bob (neighbor) came running over with his HOE in hand ready to slaughter the anaconda in my living room.  Soooo… turns out maybe my eyes need to be checked.  It was a teeny tiny lizard.  TEENY TINY!  And then my Gram sat giggling as I let out a scream because the little bastard chased me!  (Ok, well maybe he was just running for his life, but he was running for his life in MY direction.)  Anyhoo, somehow we scared the crap out of him and he ran under the couch, never to be seen again.  I am waiting for him to make his appearance still.  *shudder*

2.  My housekeeping skills and more so my laundry skills for sure leave something to be desired.  I am much more inclined to play with Monkey or get on the internet than clean.  This isn’t to say that my house is gross because it isn’t by any means.  It just may have a bit more dust than most.  And growing up in a spotless house that we cleaned from top to bottom twice a week, I have a lot to live up to in my housecleaning head.  While my house doesn’t need an overhaul or that Peter Walsh from Oprah to show up, I would for sure love to have some time with Molly Maids. *grin*

3.  Even though I say I need to watch my potty mouth, the truth is I don’t think I will ever stop cursing as much as I do.  Some things just sound better with the eff word in front of them.  It makes me happy to curse even though I know it makes me look like… well I dunno what I look like but oh well.  For some reason I don’t typically curse on my blog.  Don’t be fooled my mouth is terrible.

4.  I have been watching the same soap opera for 22 years.  I have hardly missed any episodes.  The thing is, I kinda hate the show.  But I can’t stop watching it.  All My Children seems to have made its home in my soul.  *shrug*

5.  I think about sex more than anybody I have ever met or known.  I don’t know why because I was never promiscuous or anything.  As a matter of fact, I can count my lifetime of sexual partners on one hand.  But I think about it so much that I have started to hate the fact that I think about it as much as I do.  It is consuming.  Also, I am a pervert.  But I guess that goes hand in hand.  Not like weird creepy have to register pervert, I mean like open to all fun kink kinda pervert.  And that part I don’t regret.

6.  I love tattoos.  I only have four but I want tons more.  I have at least 5 more that I have already planned out and can’t wait to get.  My 80 year old body should be smoking with all that faded ink.  Sexxxxxy!

7.  My biggest fear is death.  Death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I can’t bear the thought of losing more of the people I love.  The thought makes me ill.  And I am so fearful that I will die before I have been able to do all of the things I want to do.  Ugh.

8.  I love animals so much that I want to adopt all of the homeless pets in the world.  It irritates me to no end when I hear about people breeding their dogs and cats.  Do they not know how many animals out there need homes?!?!  It makes me SICK.  I wish that I could adopt them all and I would let them all sleep in my bed with me and cuddle at night.  And they would know they were loved.

9.  Everyone thinks I am a really great photographer, but the fact is that I am just wingin it all the time.  I sort of skipped over a lot of skills that I really needed.  But nobody seems to have noticed.  Someday I hope that I will be able to take some classes to perfect my craft.

10.  I am doing what I have wanted my whole life to be doing.  I am a stay at home Mom.  I love every minute of it.  And not to mention my son is like he most perfect kid in the whole world!!

And the 7 8 people (cause I couldn’t settle on 7) that I am awarding this blog award to are…. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!! (drumroll please!)

Wicked Courtni

Cammie at House of No Sleep

Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow

Jill Pilgrim at Pilgrim Congress

The Vegetable Assassin

Captain Dumbass of Us and Them

Kristina at Pulsipher Predilections

Mama Kat’s Losin It

Please check out each of their blogs.  I love to read them all!!  Have a great Thursday!

A very handsome Wordless Wednesday

Happy Wordless Wednesday!!

Just a note… sorry I am so behind on everyone’s blogs.  I will be reading them and catching up when I can.  My Gram is in town for a visit and I am trying to spend time with her.   Hugs!

**UPDATED** 69 and Pregnant? Random Tuesday Thoughts

If you want to play along with Random Tuesday Thoughts, go here to get the widget and add your name to Mr. Linky.

Is it odd that I totally got a giggle from the fact that I had 69 visitors on my blog yesterday? *shrug*

I am nervously awaiting a call from the doctor. They did a urine test and it was faint but positive. Again. Which is frustrating the living shit outta me!!! So they did a blood draw and will be calling me soon. I am beside myself with anticipation. Will post an update as soon as I know. CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!

I am trying desperately to think of something else to write today and all I can think is “am I pregnant, am I pregnant, am I pregnant??” It’s like TORTURE!!!
I am so scared.  What if I’m not.  Ugh.

Ok … I can’t write more. Sorry. I am lame today.  My brain is some place else.

**UPDATE** The doctor called and we are indeed pregnant.  It is early though.  They want to do more blood work next week to make sure it sticks.  YAY!!!  Time to be positive and stay hopeful so that we can make it through the first 12 weeks.  We can do it!!

Happy Random (and pregnant) Monday :)

Happy Monday!

So for a late blog post today I am just going to ramble a bit.  We all know that is my thing.  I didn’t really have a blog prepared so this is last minute blabber.

The window people showed up to replace my windows today for the 3^rd time. The thing was that they showed up with no appointment just after 8 this morning.  So like a good housewife, I answered the door in my nightgown.  (My hot pink nightgown complete with embroidered cats all over it, even.  You say weird, I say Sexy, tomatoe, tomahtoe) I was irritated that they showed up with NO appointment, especially after they already didn’t show up for the appointment I had last week on Friday (with no call or anything).  So I gave in and allowed them to stay because there was no telling when I would get them back again.  I have been battling with these people since early June to get my windows replaced.  So after rushing around to get dressed and clean up a bit so they could make their way TO the windows through the land-o-toys that are being replaced in the playroom, they finally got started on the windows.  They pulled the first one out… and guess what?  They AGAIN ordered the wrong windows.  Wrong dimensions, wrong thickness, even wrong design.  Shocker! So after over an hour of messing around they finally got the OLD yucky window back into place.  That was an hour that I won’t get back. *eyeroll*

My Mother in Law had a dream that I was pregnant with triplets… three girls!  That’s a lot of pink.  It made me giggle.

I have taken three home pregnancy tests.  They appear to all be faint, but positive.  The doctor assures me that I would not get any line if it was not positive.  And all three are for sure showing a line.  I go in tomorrow to have a beta blood test done to verify that I am indeed pregnant.  Say a prayer/ cross your fingers/ hope for me.  Pleeease??  I know I am pregnant but it will feel so much better when the doctor confirms it with the beta test.

How was everyone’s weekend???