*****This blog is emotional, a bit graphic, a bit gross, a bit whiny, not my usual humorous self and even TMI. Proceed at your own risk. You have been warned.*****
Friday morning I went into the doctor to get a beta pregnancy check to see what my HCG levels were. After sitting around until just before noon on pins and needles, I finally got a call from the doctor telling me that indeed my levels had gone up and that my pregnancy was viable and doing well.
I was over the moon with joy.
Friday evening I went into the bathroom to draw Monkey a bath and decided to go to the bathroom while I waited for the tub to fill. Something I do often. This time was different than the others. And that’s when I saw it.
I was spotting. Not bad. But not good. I was petrified.
Saturday morning I called the doctor when the spotting increased to blood. It wasn’t a lot of blood but I was beginning to cramp and was really getting concerned. I just knew I was losing the pregnancy. The doctor reassured me that it was most likely nothing as my levels had increased and presented that I did indeed have a healthy pregnancy. He put me on semi-bed rest and told me to come in Monday morning to run another beta.
Saturday the blood got worse and then in the afternoon suddenly, as if by magic, the bleeding and the cramping stopped. There were still some drops here and there but I felt this sense of calm flow over me and telling me that everything was going to be ok. I went to bed and slept like a baby. Better than I had slept all week.
Sunday morning, before I even opened my eyes, my heart sank. I could feel that I was bleeding again. And this time it was worse. I rushed in to the bathroom only to confirm my fear. It was like a nightmare. I just wanted to go back to bed again and wake up from this bad dream.
I called the doctor again. He again told me not to worry. That he had seen pregnancies progress normally in this same situation and that there was nothing we could do until we got some blood work done on Monday. I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok.
Then the bleeding got worse. I knew it was over. And yet my heart keeps praying that it is ok. Hoping beyond hope that I am one of those rare cases of pregnant women who have heavy bleeding in their first trimester, only to go on to have healthy babies.
Then Saturday began to repeat itself. Suddenly the blood began to slow. The cramping stopped. I am beside myself with worry. I just need to know one way or another.
And through this all, I have this horrible sense of loneliness. Last night, as I was heading to bed, my Gram was unloading the dishwasher and I said to her, “thank you for helping out around here.” And she said, “I won’t be sympathetic with you because that will only make you feel worse.”
Was that what her and hubby were doing all weekend? Is that why nobody has come up and hugged me and said, “I am sorry you are going through this Cass, no matter what, it is going to be ok.”? Is that why I have felt guilty for not helping out around the house because I am supposed to be resting per the doctor’s orders? Is that why everyone is going on about their day like nothing is different? Is that why my heart is breaking and I feel like I am all alone at the bottom of a black well with nobody to help me out?
The thing is that I can’t even begin to understand that reaction. If a close friend or loved one was going through this, I would be right there, holding their hand saying, “I know this hurts, but it is going to be ok.” Why is it that I am not allowed to get the same in return?
Even more, I hate that I have to write a blog saying how I am feeling because I can’t express those feelings to anyone I love.
I won’t know anything until after I see the doctor this morning. And then of course I will have to sit around and wait all day for the dreaded call. The call that I just know is going to be bad news.
**UPDATE** The doctor called after my blood work and says that my numbers have indeed gone up. The pregnancy is progressing normally. They have no explanation for the bleeding at this point. Another doctor appointment in the morning. Wish me luck!