Archive for June, 2009


I dream of… MJ??

I had a dream once that I married Michael Jackson.

I was 5.

He came up to me wearing his trademark red leather jacket and sunglasses.  I was at the playground sitting on the edge of the sandbox.

He said “we are going to get married”
And I said “ok”

And then I woke up.

But that dream never left my memory.  I still remember the purple dress I wore in the dream.  And looking down at my white sandals in the sand.  The sun was straight up in the air and bright.

I was 8 when I decide I wasn’t ever going to marry Michael Jackson.  It was at the same time that Jenny, my best friend, informed me that all boys had cooties.  And the only way to escape certain death was with a cootie shot (circle circle dot dot, now i have a cootie shot..).


RIP Michael… you will be missed.


F**K Cancer!

I just finished watching the Farrah Fawcett special on Barbara Walters.  Well, actually, I quit watching it half way through.

I was bawling!  Ugh!

For those of you who don’t know me, here is some quick background.

First my Grandmother was given the diagnosis of Lung Cancer.  She fought and won.  At 76 years old she is as healthy as a woman half her age and one of my closest friends.

After Gram beat cancer, I watched my step brother fight for his life to beat Leukemia.  He was only 18 when he was diagnosed and the three years of chemo that he was forced to endure, did put him into remission but ravaged his body.  He has aged far beyond his years.  He will never be able to enjoy being a young man again.  And for the rest of his life he will have to endure exceedingly painful tests of his bone marrow.

While my step brother was battling his cancer, another family member was hit with it.  My step dad, Jim.  Over the next two and a half long and painful years, I him slowly die from lung cancer that spread to his liver, brain and spine and then throughout his body.  It was horribly painful and I feel that he lost his drive to fight.  Watching his illness and subsequent death will be with me always.   He is the reason my son bears the name James.

That said…

I do feel that if you have not been through cancer, or watched a family member go through it, you just don’t know.  I didn’t know before I went through it.  And to be honest, it wasn’t until I was there, by Jim’s side watching him fight, watching him die, that I truly got it.  I hadn’t grasped it before.

Watching my loved ones battle for their lives robbed me of a certain sense of security.  It developed a fear in me that I cannot shake.  Death has become by far my biggest fear.  I think about it every day.  Not just the death of myself, but of all of my loved ones.

Jim smoked up until the day before he died.  I sat there next to him.  He in his wheelchair, me on a park bench.  We sat outside of the Hospice Care Facility that he was a resident for his last 20 days among the living.  We both chain smoked while talking.  Looking back it was not my finest moment.  But that was how it was.

Then he died and I continued to smoke.  It wasn’t until much later that I had the power to quit.  It is a very addictive drug.  But combined with my new found fear of death and losing the people I love, and a growing disapproval of smoking, I became hell on wheels.  I am up front and willing to admit that I am the WORST reformed smoker, EVER, EVER, EVER.

However, my husband continued to smoke.  This to me, in my mind, whether right or wrong, was unforgivable.  And I was on a mission.  I had to get him to quit.  And my ability to do that, looking back, wasn’t so great.  And of course I went about it the only way I knew how.  By reminding him every day.  By yelling and pointing fingers (even though I had just become a non smoker myself) and claiming he couldn’t possibly love me or our family if he refused to quit.  Now I already know what you are thinking, but in my mind this all made perfect sense.  Really.  Sadly for him, I didn’t see the error of my ways until he had finally quit and has already suffered through two years of nagging and constant pressure from me.  Love has many faces, right? J

My view of life has changed.  I walk around fearful.  I don’t know how to be anyone other than this.  I hate it but I live with it.  Watching Farrah Fawcett’s love of 29 years, Ryan O’Neal, talk about her final days and what she had gone through just hit far too close to home for me.  Maybe I want to avoid it.  Maybe I want to pretend it doesn’t exist.  Is that bad?  I just think it is survival.  Survival of my sanity.


4500 Photographs

I was told about this today and had to share it because it is breathtaking!!

Notte Sento (English subtitles)

A girl misses her train to Milan and is set to wait overnight in Rome until dawn. However, a chance encounter with a guy changes her plans and the night lights of the capital turn into the background to a tender love story. An extraordinary chemistry made of knowing glances and small gestures fills the few instants that separate them both from the sunrise.

Starring: Debora Antonaci, Andrea Mauri
Screenplay By: Stefano Gianfreda, Maurizio de Benedictis
Directed By: Daniele Napolitano
Produced By: CUT / Urban Team
Original music: Rocco Centrella

Short film made with 4500+ still photographs. Shot with a Canon EOS 30D camera.
Funded by the Seagate Creative Fund in 2008.

What do you think?  Pretty amazing huh?


New Photos!

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

Hey y’all!

If you have not done so already, head over to my new page cLea Photography (New Profile!) and add me to your friends list and Subscribe to my blogs.  I just posted a new blog and would love your opinions!  Click here Random to check out the new blog.




Jon & Kate? Not so much…

I know it’s silly but I am seriously depressed about their decision to get a divorce!!  I was so hoping they would reconcile.  I can’t understand why they would renew their vows if they weren’t planning on staying married.  A desperate attempt to convince themselves??  I am just beside myself with grief.

Is it wildly pathetic that I feel this way?  I feel like close friends of mine are getting a divorce.  Clearly, I am putting too much stock on my TV time and not seeing the warning signs saying I desperately need adult interaction time!


Now I am pouting.  Sulking.  Moping.  I feel totally heartbroken for them.  Ugh.



Dialog with hubby just now:

Me: I have just decided (while reading a blog) that my husband would be a fantastic blog writer, if he so chose to blog.

Him: Oh yeah? Why?

Me: Because you are funny!  You make me laugh all the time.  Even when you aren’t trying.

Him: Who would read my blog?

Me: I would! And you could get other blog peeps and stuff as you go.

Him: Blog peeps?

Me: Yeah, Blog peeps.  Like groupies if you were a rock star.

Him: Like Bloopies?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!!  See?? You are funny babe! You could totally blog!  I am going to blog this conversation. *grin*

Him: Nerd. *giggle*


When your baby gives you….

I was minding my own beeswax in the kitchen putterin and chattin on the phone to a girlfriend…
Jimmy comes in carrying something in his hand and has this big grin on his face…
he is going to give me a present…
i say to my girlfriend “aww he is gonna give me a gift!” and he is so proud and I am so proud..
and i hold out my hand and in it he places a tiny baby GREEN poo and i am all “whats that babe?” not recognizing it…
my mind must have gone to mushed food, or grass or mud (please be mud please be mud) so what would you do???
i smelled it! yup! i did. i smelled the poo.
and then my brain said “oh yah, that’s poo” …. and then my mouth said “OHHHH MYYYY GAWWWWWD!!! THAT IS POOOOOO!” (or possibly I said shit, but we all know Jimmy is already using that word, so…moving on)
“I HAVE TO GO! JIMMY JUST HANDED ME POO!” i hear *giggle* and then >click< I hang up
Then as if in slow motion i look past the poo and the poo handing baby and
see that the small green baby poo gave birth to a litter of other small green baby turds! ON MY LIVING ROOM CARPET!
Oh yah… can we say diaper malfunction?!?!
So yah… THAT is what happened


about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!


my photography page:


my validation!