This blog was originally posted on MySpace.
What do you do when a loved one hurts you. Again. It seems as though you will never learn. You allow them to do it over and over again and yet you just never learn.
In this case, it’s my mother.
She has a really warped sense of love and has always treated us as such. It isn’t that she is trying to cause us any pain, it is that she legitimately doesn’t realize that she is hurting us. She really feels that she is doing her best to “love” us.
I am getting ready to give birth to my first child. This is my fifth pregnancy and after five years of desperately trying and spending thousands and thousands of dollars and tears, the moment is finally here. I am going to be a Mom. I can’t tell you how much I have wanted this my entire life. Since I was born, the only thing I ever wanted, and i mean EVER wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. And here it is… it is about to happen. I am so overjoyed. However, it is also shadowed by things that I am not doing right. Here is a tally so far… I was too fat when I got pregnant. I have gained too much since I got pregnant. I complain too much since I got pregnant. I am not doing the best for my baby because I didn’t attend Lamaze classes now that I am pregnant. I am doing my baby boy a grave injustice by not planning on having an all natural, drug free delivery of my child. Oh the list goes on and on but those are the most clear in my brain at the moment. And guess who has told me all of those as my short comings. Of course! You guessed it! My wonderful loving mother.
Today, however, was the kicker. My stepmother is throwing me a “webcam baby shower”. It is so nice of her because we are not in Denver and we don’t know anyone here in Texarkana and I just didn’t think I was going to get a baby shower. But my StepMom has graciously decided to extend an invitation to family and friends to host a very chic “WebCam Baby Shower”. This will be a gathering in her home where everyone then gathers in front of the television and we connect via the webcam. They will see Hubby and myself and we will see them! It’s very fun, we did it during Christmas when I couldn’t travel. It is the next best thing to being there in person. In this case, they will be shipping gifts here prior to the shower that I will then open on camera for everyone to watch and ooh and ahh over. I think it is going to be a blast and simply cannot wait for it.
Guess who wants to spoil that fun for me? Right again! You are really good at this game. It is my MOTHER! She decided that she doesn’t “want” to go. She says she doesn’t want to hang out with “those” people. “Those” people being my family and friends of which none are directly related to her. Other than her son, my brother who will proudly be there to support his big sis. You go JP! When she told me, I just went crazy. I was soooo mad! “How can you not go?? You are my Mother!” I asked her. “Well, I already did my thing for you (she bought me a crib) and so I don’t think it is necessary for me to be there” I explained that it wasn’t that I wanted her to purchase another gift because I LOVED the crib and I know it was quite expensive for her to purchase it for us but that simply I wanted her to be there on webcam and to enjoy my baby shower with the rest of the people I loved. I even offered to wait and open the crib on camera so that everyone would see that this grand gift was what she had purchased for us. I haven’t seen her since Thanksgiving and thought it would be wonderful to see her on webcam and her me since she cant get off her lazy ass and go to Wal-mart and purchase a webcam like I have requested.
Do you know what it boils down to? I will tell you. It boils down to the simple fact that my mother is so self centered that she wont do anything that makes her uncomfortable, no matter what. That is just who she is.
Here is an example of this selfishness. (If I haven’t already lost you) My wedding day. Oh yes, a day that little girls dream about all their lives, right? Well, this little girl was told by her mother that her mother would meet her at the Lodge (Wedding Location) at 9 am to be along side little girl as to prep together for the days festivities. The wedding was not till 4:44 PM and that would give us plenty of time to enjoy Mimosas (some of us more than others) and do our hair, makeup, nails and what have yous. Guess what time the dutiful mother of the bride trailed in? She decided to come striding in at about 4!!!! She was already make-uped and dressed and ready to go. In the meantime I spent the entire day trying to reach her by phone (to which she never answered) and find out what was going on. I was freaking out thinking she was either not going to show up or had an accident on the side of the mountain somewhere! (our wedding was up by Rocky Mountain National Park in the Rockies) Anyway… I NEVER did get an explanation as to why she wasn’t there at the 9 am agreed upon time. I was simply told that I had friends there that had it under control and that everything worked on fine and not to worry.
But… pardon my french… WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! The 2 events in my life that are supposed to be LIFE ALTERING never to be forgotten MAJOR events are like… no biggie friggin whoop to her. I swear if I actually had to sit and think about it I would almost swear she tried to ruin these events on purpose! I don’t know what else to think! I am so mad and so sad and so just well CONFUSED right now that I can’t even see!
Is this acceptable?? What do you think I should do or say? Do you have a person like this in your life?? Advise people, I need advise. Please.
ps… i didn’t spell check or anything so don’t judge 😦