Archive for January, 2008


Heath Ledger found dead in New York at age 28

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

I just thought this was crazy! this was just released to the press. He was only 28!!

NEW YORK (AP) — Heath Ledger was found dead Tuesday at a downtown Manhattan apartment, and police said drugs may have been a factor. The Australian-born actor was 28. Police said Ledger was naked in his bed with an unknown number of sleeping pills near the body.

Ledger had an appointment for a massage at a residence in the tony SoHo neighborhood, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. A housekeeper who went to let him know the massage therapist had arrived found him dead at 3:26 p.m.

A large crowd of paparazzi and gawkers began gathering Tuesday evening outside the building on an upscale block, where several police officers guarded the door. The medical examiner’s office planned an autopsy on Wednesday, spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said.

While not a marquee movie star, Ledger was a respected, award-winning actor who took his craft seriously rather than cashing in on his heartthrob looks. He was nominated for an Oscar for his performance as a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain, where he met Michelle Williams, who played his wife in the film. The two had a daughter, Matilda, and lived together in Brooklyn until they split up last year.

Ledger most recently appeared in I’m Not There, in which he played one of the many incarnations of Bob Dylan — as did Cate Blanchett, whose performance in that film earned an Oscar nomination Tuesday for best supporting actress.


Let me not mourn…

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

Four years ago today, I watched in horror as he took his final breath. It is something that has haunted me almost each day since. Should I have said something more? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he truly understand his impact on my life?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I tell myself that yes he knew and that because of my beliefs that every time I speak to him now that he can hear my words from the here after and that he knows. That he truly knows.

My plan was to write something beautiful to honor a man that was so much to me. I was so lucky to have him grace me as my second father. Some people don’t even get one father and I was fortunate enough to get two. Two really GREAT Dads. I don’t know how many of you can say that but I sure can, and I hold my head high when I say it. However, I don’t know if writing down all of his wonderful qualities is even in me right now. Some days it is just better to think about those wonderful past events and just live them again in your head rather than speak of them.

Within a few weeks my son, James Martin will be making his grand debut into this world. He is due on March 4th, just 5 days before my step dad’s birthday, March 9th. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I think this was the plan. How could I not name baby James after this man that meant so much to me?

In Loving Memory of
James Nicholas Paris
March 9, 1958 – January 21, 2004

Te Voie Bene Jim!


This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

Ok, I admit that I lured you in here under slightly false pretenses… but the fact is that I am so weirded out by the fact that my boobs have gotten SOOOOOO HUUUUUGE with this pregnancy! I’m sure most of you remember reading my blog Boobs Boobs Boobs (yeah I am creative with blog names, huh?). That blog was about my Breast Reduction. I had 6 wonderful pounds of breast tissue removed on March 6, 2006. It was fantastic! I went from a 36 H to a 36 D overnight! How cool is that!!??! WAY in my book! However, then enters pregnancy and not to mention the tons of weight I have put on… but BLAM! I am hit with the old evil H’s again. Actually… I can’t fit my humungo boobage into my H bras (that I kept as a keepsake, thank gawd!). I am smooching out of my H’s! And I am being told that once my milk comes in I will go up at least another size! So lets just assume I have some clue as to what I am talking about (which I dont) and that means I am not about an I (which one can only assume comes after H) does that mean I will then become a J?! or god forbid a K? Do they have a K?

So does anyone have any post pregnancy boobage info to report? I am way curious! When will they go back to my pretty perky D’s?!?! I miss them! They miss me too!


Sad Shocking News

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

Online friends are super. Its wonderful to meet new people all over the world and find common bonds. I also love that you can always find someone who in someway is going thru what you are going thru. Well.. sometimes.

I have been talking to fellow pregnant women online. It’s great because we are going through the same thing and its fun to share information and make new friends. However, I am blogging about one mom to be in particular. She will remain nameless out of respect. We will call her…. ummm… Sally. Sorry its the best I can do. My brain is mush right now.

Anyhoo… Sally is 39 weeks pregnant. She is due next Friday, on the 25th. This is Sally’s first child and she is having a baby boy, like me. She stopped working a few weeks ago because her husband and her mutually decided that she was going to become a stay at home mother and housewife. She lives in a nice house and her husband makes a good living. The American dream.

Here is where the story takes a twisted turn. I haven’t talked to her now for almost 2 weeks. I was pretty sure that she was busy and probably had given birth to her bouncing baby boy. However, I received an email from her this afternoon that just made me weep.

Her husband of 3 years (dating since college) apparently left her. She came home from shopping about a week ago to find that his closet was empty and his most treasured possessions were gone. She was baffled because there was no note or one word spoken about him not being there when she returned home. She frantically tried to reach him via cell phone and after no answer started calling his friends and their family. Nobody had any idea that he has left Sally and were all quite concerned. Some of her friends and her two sisters stayed with her that night to help her get through, hoping they would hear something. No word.

The next day Sally’s sister drove her to his office to see him and hopefully find out what was going on. Apparently upon confrontation, Shithead (we will call him that rather than use his name) stood in the lobby of his building and told her that he didn’t love her anymore and that he had moved in with a female co-worker and the love of his life and they were going to get married. That he was sorry that he wasn’t able to tell Sally sooner but that he hoped she understood that he had to “follow his heart”. Embarrassed and unable to focus on what he had said she just walked away.

Now I am reading this story via email and I feel like I am reading a Danielle Steel novel! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT SHIT?!?! This guy has some serious balls!

She is going to the hospital in the morning to be induced. Apparently her stress level is so high that her doctors are quite concerned with her levels and want to get the baby out now. Shithead wants nothing to do with his son and now says that “he never wanted a baby anyway” and that she will need to “deal with it on her own”.

I find it very depressing that public “stoning” was outlawed so many years ago. Wouldn’t you pick up a stone? I would start collecting now.

Please say a prayer for her. I am so in shock about this entire thing. How do you one day go about life normally and the next BAM. What a sorry excuse for a man. And who the hell is this woman he moved in with??? what does that say about her that she is willing to take a man that has a pregnant wife at home waiting to give birth ANY SECOND! I don’t even have a clue what to say to her. It seems so weird!

However, Sally, I know that we don’t know each other very well at all, but trust me when I say… you can do this and you will be a ROCKIN MAMA! No matter what Shithead did, you WILL prevail!! And I am so sorry you are going thru this. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better.



This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

So I don’t know why I haven’t been taking any pictures for a while but while soaking in the tub the other day with my iPod I heard a song and it all became clear.

I’m writing you to
catch you up on places I’ve been
And you have this letter
you probably got excited, but there’s nothing else inside it
didn’t have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I’m
in the mood to lose my way with words
TODAY skies are painted colors of a cowboy cliche’
And its strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn’t have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I’m
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You’ll be with me next time I go outside
NO more 3×5’s
I Guess you had to be there
I Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin’ to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I’m in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You’ll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3×5’s
just no more 3×5’s

That is 3×5 by John Mayer. I suddenly realized that I want to take pictures because I enjoy it. And it was getting to a point where I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I just felt obligated and judged. Why is it that something you love can just become work one day? Well that is what happened. I am going to try and dust off my camera and see if I can’t get back into the swing of things. I sure miss it!

Now I just wonder if any of you will come back to look at my work. I used to have so many readers and now they are nill. Not that I am complaining because I understand. I kinda went MIA there for a bit. But I will be curious to see what I come up with almost as curious to see what everyone thinks.



When loved ones hurt you…

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

What do you do when a loved one hurts you. Again. It seems as though you will never learn. You allow them to do it over and over again and yet you just never learn.

In this case, it’s my mother.

She has a really warped sense of love and has always treated us as such. It isn’t that she is trying to cause us any pain, it is that she legitimately doesn’t realize that she is hurting us. She really feels that she is doing her best to “love” us.

I am getting ready to give birth to my first child. This is my fifth pregnancy and after five years of desperately trying and spending thousands and thousands of dollars and tears, the moment is finally here. I am going to be a Mom. I can’t tell you how much I have wanted this my entire life. Since I was born, the only thing I ever wanted, and i mean EVER wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. And here it is… it is about to happen. I am so overjoyed. However, it is also shadowed by things that I am not doing right. Here is a tally so far… I was too fat when I got pregnant. I have gained too much since I got pregnant. I complain too much since I got pregnant. I am not doing the best for my baby because I didn’t attend Lamaze classes now that I am pregnant. I am doing my baby boy a grave injustice by not planning on having an all natural, drug free delivery of my child. Oh the list goes on and on but those are the most clear in my brain at the moment. And guess who has told me all of those as my short comings. Of course! You guessed it! My wonderful loving mother.

Today, however, was the kicker. My stepmother is throwing me a “webcam baby shower”. It is so nice of her because we are not in Denver and we don’t know anyone here in Texarkana and I just didn’t think I was going to get a baby shower. But my StepMom has graciously decided to extend an invitation to family and friends to host a very chic “WebCam Baby Shower”. This will be a gathering in her home where everyone then gathers in front of the television and we connect via the webcam. They will see Hubby and myself and we will see them! It’s very fun, we did it during Christmas when I couldn’t travel. It is the next best thing to being there in person. In this case, they will be shipping gifts here prior to the shower that I will then open on camera for everyone to watch and ooh and ahh over. I think it is going to be a blast and simply cannot wait for it.

Guess who wants to spoil that fun for me? Right again! You are really good at this game. It is my MOTHER! She decided that she doesn’t “want” to go. She says she doesn’t want to hang out with “those” people. “Those” people being my family and friends of which none are directly related to her. Other than her son, my brother who will proudly be there to support his big sis. You go JP! When she told me, I just went crazy. I was soooo mad! “How can you not go?? You are my Mother!” I asked her. “Well, I already did my thing for you (she bought me a crib) and so I don’t think it is necessary for me to be there” I explained that it wasn’t that I wanted her to purchase another gift because I LOVED the crib and I know it was quite expensive for her to purchase it for us but that simply I wanted her to be there on webcam and to enjoy my baby shower with the rest of the people I loved. I even offered to wait and open the crib on camera so that everyone would see that this grand gift was what she had purchased for us. I haven’t seen her since Thanksgiving and thought it would be wonderful to see her on webcam and her me since she cant get off her lazy ass and go to Wal-mart and purchase a webcam like I have requested.

Do you know what it boils down to? I will tell you. It boils down to the simple fact that my mother is so self centered that she wont do anything that makes her uncomfortable, no matter what. That is just who she is.

Here is an example of this selfishness. (If I haven’t already lost you) My wedding day. Oh yes, a day that little girls dream about all their lives, right? Well, this little girl was told by her mother that her mother would meet her at the Lodge (Wedding Location) at 9 am to be along side little girl as to prep together for the days festivities. The wedding was not till 4:44 PM and that would give us plenty of time to enjoy Mimosas (some of us more than others) and do our hair, makeup, nails and what have yous. Guess what time the dutiful mother of the bride trailed in? She decided to come striding in at about 4!!!! She was already make-uped and dressed and ready to go. In the meantime I spent the entire day trying to reach her by phone (to which she never answered) and find out what was going on. I was freaking out thinking she was either not going to show up or had an accident on the side of the mountain somewhere! (our wedding was up by Rocky Mountain National Park in the Rockies) Anyway… I NEVER did get an explanation as to why she wasn’t there at the 9 am agreed upon time. I was simply told that I had friends there that had it under control and that everything worked on fine and not to worry.

But… pardon my french… WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! The 2 events in my life that are supposed to be LIFE ALTERING never to be forgotten MAJOR events are like… no biggie friggin whoop to her. I swear if I actually had to sit and think about it I would almost swear she tried to ruin these events on purpose! I don’t know what else to think! I am so mad and so sad and so just well CONFUSED right now that I can’t even see!

Is this acceptable?? What do you think I should do or say? Do you have a person like this in your life?? Advise people, I need advise. Please.

ps… i didn’t spell check or anything so don’t judge 😦


about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!


my photography page:


my validation!