This blog was originally posted on MySpace.
What do you do when that line turns blue? Do you cry and weep because you know it won’t last? Do you think about how just 3 nights ago you were drinking it up at your Dad’s birthday bash? Even smoking cigarettes? Do you think about how for the last week you have been lifting heavy objects and packing your house to make a move 1000 miles away from everything that you know? A move that you will make just a few hours from now. Do you pray that God will allow you just 9 more months and not take away this child too? How do you stop the tears and allow yourself to be happy for something that you have been trying so hard to accomplish for so long? How do you get slapped in the face with pain so many times that you are too scared to allow yourself to feel that joy that new mothers feel? How do you convince yourself that everything will be ok so that your worry doesn’t ruin you and this new life inside of you? Do you pretend it isn’t happening to yourself and to others? Do you hide it from the world as so many other women with past miscarriages have done? Do you write a blog for the whole world to see? All I know is that I am scared out of my mind and I cannot convince myself that everything is going to be ok. It has been less than 1 day since I saw that plus sign. At any moment someone will pinch me and I wake up. And this dream that is scaring me and leaving me with hope I have no right to have will end. And there I will be… again.