02
Oct
06

Diary of Pittsburgh Part 4

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

10/2/06

Today was day two of the “viewings”  There were a total of four of them and tomorrow is the funeral.  It is a Catholic Mass funeral.  So the whole hurrah.  I am really nervous.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I am not the kind of person that can cry in public.  At least I feel weak if I do.  Yesterday I had a good cry at the funeral home and of course had to run outside and hide to have it.  I felt like a moron.  Why did I?  Who knows.  Everyone cries.  It is perfectly natural.  Especially in a situation like this.  But I still felt the need to run and hide.  Do any of you do this or is it just me?

Today I did so much better though.  I think I am a little bit numb.  Today nothing seemed to phase me.  I didn’t feel.  I didn’t feel happy, sad or indifferent.  Is this my bodies way of putting up a shield?  To protect me from the sadness?

Did anyone actually read my other blogs?  I didn’t get any comments and I was sad about it today.  It shows that I had 153 views today but no one said anything?  Whats up with that?  I know I said that I didn’t care if you commented, but I lied.  Not that I want kudos or any shit like that.  I just want someone to tell me how they did it.  Opal, you were a champ and your comment touched me to the core.

To everyone else… If you have time will you read my blogs and tell me if anything I am feeling or going thru relates to your life?  Please?  I think I just need to know that I am being heard.  I can’t really talk about this with anyone here because we are all going thru this together.  I need an outside perspective.  So please, if you can comment on my other blogs and maybe open a bit of a discussion, I would be in your debt.  Truly.

I am so scared about tomorrow.  I just don’t know how I am going to deal with it.  I am the type of person that needs to be in control of a situation or I kinda freak out.  I am NOT in control of this one.  I am so scared that I will cry or break down or god forbid cry so hard I force myself into an asthma attack.  I just want to be strong and helpful to everyone involved with this right now.  And more than anything I feel like a shitty wife.  My father in law came up to me yesterday and asked me how I was doing.  When I started to reply he told me that my husband had already informed him that I was doing very poorly.  Gee thanks Hus.  Like I didn’t feel like a pussy enough, you had to tell your Dad all about it.  Ugh.  I am not mad or anything but like I said, it just makes me feel weak.  I hate to feel weak and hate even more anyone thinking that I am weak.

My brother in law is a police officer here in Pittsburgh and is going to be leading the processional in a marked police car tomorrow.  I could not be more proud of the family I married into.  This is just one of the many amazing gifts of kindness that I have seen over the last two days.  This family has amazing hearts.  I am truly blessed to be a part of it.

I have been talking to my step dad, Jim, all day to please let me make it through tomorrow and be strong for my family.  I think he is listening.  I know today would not have been so easy if he was not looking out for me.  I am so lucky to have him as my own guardian angel.

Please wish me luck and say a prayer for me tomorrow.  I need all the positive thoughts and wishes I can get.

Also another request.  Hug and kiss those that you love.  And tell them that you love them.

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about moi…

Hi, my name is Cass. I am married to an amazing man who loves me unconditionally. I’m a stay at home mom to a rockin’ 2 year old boy who I call Monkey. I have an 12 year old step-daughter who lives in another state. We miss her daily. We also have two fur babies, Daisy and Jazz, who keep us on our toes. They are awesome!

I am a complete goofball, a photographer and a constant out loud thinker. I am a grammar challenged, vulgar, cursing, sex obsessed Big Mama fumbling through life. Among other things, I battle PCOS causing infertility, Bi Polar, Anxiety and OCD.

Currently I am riding the fertility roller coaster in an attempt to make Monkey #2. This blog is about a little of everything. I hope you enjoy. Read at your own risk!

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