This blog was originally posted on MySpace.
Today was day two of the “viewings” There were a total of four of them and tomorrow is the funeral. It is a Catholic Mass funeral. So the whole hurrah. I am really nervous.
I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I am not the kind of person that can cry in public. At least I feel weak if I do. Yesterday I had a good cry at the funeral home and of course had to run outside and hide to have it. I felt like a moron. Why did I? Who knows. Everyone cries. It is perfectly natural. Especially in a situation like this. But I still felt the need to run and hide. Do any of you do this or is it just me?
Today I did so much better though. I think I am a little bit numb. Today nothing seemed to phase me. I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel happy, sad or indifferent. Is this my bodies way of putting up a shield? To protect me from the sadness?
Did anyone actually read my other blogs? I didn’t get any comments and I was sad about it today. It shows that I had 153 views today but no one said anything? Whats up with that? I know I said that I didn’t care if you commented, but I lied. Not that I want kudos or any shit like that. I just want someone to tell me how they did it. Opal, you were a champ and your comment touched me to the core.
To everyone else… If you have time will you read my blogs and tell me if anything I am feeling or going thru relates to your life? Please? I think I just need to know that I am being heard. I can’t really talk about this with anyone here because we are all going thru this together. I need an outside perspective. So please, if you can comment on my other blogs and maybe open a bit of a discussion, I would be in your debt. Truly.
I am so scared about tomorrow. I just don’t know how I am going to deal with it. I am the type of person that needs to be in control of a situation or I kinda freak out. I am NOT in control of this one. I am so scared that I will cry or break down or god forbid cry so hard I force myself into an asthma attack. I just want to be strong and helpful to everyone involved with this right now. And more than anything I feel like a shitty wife. My father in law came up to me yesterday and asked me how I was doing. When I started to reply he told me that my husband had already informed him that I was doing very poorly. Gee thanks Hus. Like I didn’t feel like a pussy enough, you had to tell your Dad all about it. Ugh. I am not mad or anything but like I said, it just makes me feel weak. I hate to feel weak and hate even more anyone thinking that I am weak.
My brother in law is a police officer here in Pittsburgh and is going to be leading the processional in a marked police car tomorrow. I could not be more proud of the family I married into. This is just one of the many amazing gifts of kindness that I have seen over the last two days. This family has amazing hearts. I am truly blessed to be a part of it.
I have been talking to my step dad, Jim, all day to please let me make it through tomorrow and be strong for my family. I think he is listening. I know today would not have been so easy if he was not looking out for me. I am so lucky to have him as my own guardian angel.
Please wish me luck and say a prayer for me tomorrow. I need all the positive thoughts and wishes I can get.
Also another request. Hug and kiss those that you love. And tell them that you love them.