In other news…

Wow, it’s been a long time since I sat down to type a blog.  It’s been a long time since I sat down at the computer.  I just don’t seem to be feeling it lately.

Let’s see… what’s new with me…

Monkey is talking up a storm now.  So I don’t have to worry that he is going to fall behind and point and grunt baby babble for the rest of his life.  YAY!  Although, his new favorite word is NO, which sends me into a tail spin every time he screams it at me.  Some other new words include Hi and Bye, Up, Uh oh, Whoa, Cup, Cool which sounds like KOOOO, Elmo which sounds like MOMO, and my personal favorite… Shoe which he says like Shhheeeww.  And when we are in public he tells all strangers “MY MAMA!” and grabs my head and gives me a big kiss.  Apparently he doesn’t want any other random children to think they get to go home with me.

He sure makes getting out of bed each day so much more appealing.

We went to Denver for a visit.  I think I mentioned that last time.  It was madness.  The whole S.E.V.E.N.T.E.E.N days.  Yes, I went on vacation a trip ALONE… WITH A TODDLER for seventeen days almost a month!  Clearly this is reason enough to believe that I have completely lost my mind.

Seriously… it was fantastic to see everyone and I am so glad that I got to be home for a bit, but I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER do that shit again.  All I did was chase a toddler and scream “stop touching that!” every 2 seconds.  And as an added bonus I decided to give up ALL sleep (at Monkey’s request) and live on Starbucks and restaurant food for the whole trip.

But if that doesn’t have you completely convinced of my insanity, let me share a fun fact with you that I don’t think I have ever talked about on a blog before.  (Or maybe I did and just have no memory of it) Either way… guess what?  I am bi-polar.  Super for me right?  I know… you are SOOOO jealous right now.  Imagine how jealous your husband’s must be of my husband right now.  His life is just one continuous game of chance.  He never knows what card he will pick and when he will pick it.

So in the midst of my grand decision to travel to Denver with my almost two year old for seventeen days ALMOST SIX MONTHS and the fact that I have been unmedicated for the last few years… I pretty much started the decent into my breakdown.

Luckily, because this isn’t my first rodeo, I saw the signs and started to be proactive about my mental well being.  I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist Wednesday and am seeing my therapist more often than usual.  Today as a matter of fact.

And last week was the anniversary of my step dads passing, which is always a shitty time of year.  So I was going through that day thinking “I can make it, I can make it, I can make it”  And you would think that after 6 years, it would get easier, but take it from me… it doesn’t.

So I am more weepy, I am more moody, I have the attention span shorter than my pinky, my fuse is so short, all it takes is a sneeze from one of the dogs and I yell, and as seems to be true to form, I am neglecting a lot of things that I shouldn’t be.  Like my friends, my blog (which can stand to suffer), my family and mostly my housecleaning.  At this point, I just need to keep my head above water.

(Glad you asked?  Oh you didn’t ask?  Oh… whoopsie… sorry to have killed 30 precious moments of your life that you will never ever get back) lol

So I will try to write more, but I surely won’t be getting a blog out there every day.  I need to focus on some other things for a bit.  Like my new addiction of the Ellen Degeneres show.  She is HILAR!  And laughter IS the best medicine.

And a side note… If I didn’t see you while I was in Denver on my seventeen day YEAR LONG trip, then please accept my apologies.  I am hugely popular and have thousands upon thousands of friends there.  Oh ok… there’s just the two.  But anyhoo… If I didn’t see you while I was there, please don’t take it personal.  With my current sanity situation, or lack there of, TRUST ME, you didn’t want to see me.  I am not the awesome fun Cass that I usually am.  So… with that said… have a wonderful Monday.

The “C” Word

 

We all know I am a TV junkie.  But this is not a blog about TV or my unbalanced obsession with the electronic box in my living room.

I LOVE watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC.  But lately I am having a really rough time watching it.

Kitty McCallister played by Calista Flockhart, has Cancer.  Or more specifically, she has Lymphoma.  I have so much trouble dealing with Cancer or watching someone go through that, even if it is just acting on television.  It just hits too close to home for me to be comfortable.  And then even though I love watching, my brain is begging me to turn off anything showing the dreaded “C”.

My fears are not born out of me being crazy.  Ok, well maybe some of them are.  But this fear, the fear of Cancer, is experience based.

Some of you who have followed me from MySpace have already read this blog.  I hope that you will take a quick moment to read it now and come back.

Let me not mourn…

My stepdad, Jim, was an amazing man.  He was an amazing father who loved unconditionally.  We were lucky to have him in our life.  But then he got Cancer.

He was sick for two and a half years and then he died.  Just like that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a man, was gone.

Cancer did that.  I was there when he took his final breath.  It’s a moment that I wish I could banish from my memory forever.  But no matter what I do, when I close my eyes, there it is.  It was horrific.   I hated living through it and I never want to live through it again.

They say you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  Sometimes, it’s true.  But then sometimes once you lose something you grow this irrational fear.  And even though you haven’t lost another someone, that fear overwhelms you.  That fear that you ‘could’ lose them.

I don’t have a fear of myself getting Cancer.  And I even had a brush with cervical Cancer a few years ago.  But I am not scared of getting it.  I don’t know why.  My fear is that someone I love will get it.  Someone that I need.  Someone that I don’t want to die.  And any time I hear of someone, anyone, fictitious or otherwise, having Cancer, or God forbid, dying of Cancer, I freak out.  My brain goes crazy with fear.

Watching this show brings it all back to me.  It’s horrible.  Just watching it, puts this ache in my stomach.  Watching her go through having cancer, watching how her family is dealing with the news.  Even watching her going to chemo.  Ugh.  I want to turn it off.  But I don’t want to miss the show.

Death on TV or Film does the exact same thing.  There I am transported back there.  That feeling of loss is like a fresh wound all over again.

I wonder if it will always be this way.  Will I always cry when someone on the screen gets cancer or dies?  Will it ever get easier?  Cause I gotta tell you… it has been almost 6 years and it doesn’t feel a day later than January 21, 2004.  *sigh*

 

What is your take on this?  What affects you in the Media?

Click here to view today’s Daily Photo Blog…  Sidewalk Chalk Daily Photo Blog

Splishy Spash! Daily Photo Blog

Day two of Blast From the Past Daily Photos!!!

This was a photo I took of Hubby and my Step Daughter, Buggy, when she came to Wisconsin to visit.  This was the two of them playing in Devils Lake.

This was really early in my picture taking days.  I didn’t have any editing software yet, so this Sepia was achieved using the camera settings for the point and shoot I had at the time.

Enjoy!

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I took this yesterday with my sepia tone option on my camera… I think it turned out really neat! Let me know what you think!

This blog was originally posted on MySpace Aug 5 2006 11:17 AM.

Bringin’ Sexy Back Daily Photo Blog

This week I am going to be doing Blast From the Past Daily Photos!!!

Since I have been moving all of my MySpace blogs over to WordPress, I have been coming across some really neat stuff. Makes me all happy and full of emotion. So this week, I will be sharing all old photo blogs.

On a side note:  You might get a kick out of how totally UN self assured I was then.  It kinda makes me giggle.  I have grown a lot since then.

It is a photo I took of Hubby’s back.  It is one of my favorite photos.  I love the blur and I simply love every inch of his back.  So it has remained one of my YUMMY fav’s!

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Here is my daily photo… it is supposed to be a blur shot.. I did it on purpose and it is edited.

This blog was originally posted on MySpace on Aug 23 2006 12:07AM.

Holy Random Tuesday Thoughts Batman!

If you want to play along with Random Tuesday Thoughts, go here to get the widget and add your name to Mr. Linky.

And Happy Monday to all!!!  Err… Tuesday you say?  Oh.  Whoopsie.  Happy TUESDAY all!!! Time is sort of a blur lately:)  So I got thoughts.  And they are random.  Ready?  Go!

This weekend was nice.  It was our anniversary on Saturday, duh, so we went out to dinner and filled ourselves silly on yummy Mexican food.  Mmmmm!!!

Sunday we got the sitter and went and saw The Time Travelers Wife.  I personally thought it was a fantastic movie.  I heard some not so great things about it but I really liked it.  However, being a hormonal nutcase right now, I was literally bawling through the entire 30 minutes of previews.  All of the movies look fantastic, and so I cried like a nut.  Hubby just rolled with the punches and kept saying “it’s ok babe… it’s ok”  lol.  Oh well.  Might as well embrace the hormones I supposed.  *shrug*

SOOOOO… I have so fan-frickin-tabulous news about Dan!  Apparently he is doing amazingly well!!  He is able to speak although he is still trying to make sense of his thoughts.  So everything doesn’t come out exactly as he wants.  He did lose the use of his right arm and leg but they are hoping with rehab he will be able to use that again.  A friend went to visit him and sent this picture.

Pam and Dan

Honestly, he hasn’t looked this good in so long!  He looks so happy!  It filled me with joy to see this picture of him.  He looks so fantastic!

Got some more blood work today to see how the pregnancy is progressing.  Won’t have the results until this afternoon, but strangely, I am not worried in the least.  Maybe my intuition is trying to tell me that everything is ok.  I dunno, but I am thrilled that I am not stressing about it.  I just know in my heart that everything is going to work out this time.

Jimmy and I have apparently got a bit of a cold.  AGAIN.  So sneezing, snot and coughing are prevalent in this house today   yummy!

My Gram leaves today to go back to Denver.  It is going to be so sad to see her go.  She was here for three weeks.  It was so wonderful to be able to sit and have our chats.  And to watch her play with her great grandson.  Peaking in on the two of them reading a book together or singing to a Baby Einstein movie together is a wonderful sight that I can’t wait to see again.

I just pray that I will be able to phone her soon and say, “Guess what?!? We are moving home!!”  I can’t wait to get back to Colorado.  To our family and friends.  To the dry air.  To the mountains.  To normal civilization.  To competent doctors.  To fab restaurants.  To summers you can actually go outdoors without risking heat stroke.  To Snow.  Oh the things I miss.

**Update!!**  The nurse just called to let me know my numbers are going up still.  Yay!!  So Thursday morning we will be doing an ultrasound to take a peek at the baby or babies to be Can’t wait!!!

Honest Shit…err Scrap Award :)

Sorry… I had to mess with the title.  It made me laugh.

So I got this cool AWARD from Brandie of The Rudy Family Rukus on Tuesday.  This would be my first award.  As well as my first knowledge of the possibility of an award.  I haven’t had time to prepare a speech but… first I would like to thank all my fans… oh …lol.  Just kidding.

I haven’t had a chance to get back to it until now… Sorry Brandie!  To read the original blog from Brandie, please go here.

The rules are to pass this on to 7 bloggers who I feel are honest in their blogging and list 10 honest things about myself. So here goes!!

So here are my 10 honest fun facts.  Some are already known.  I am not secretive about much.  Clearly.  So here is my list.

1.  I am oddly afraid of creepy crawly spiders.  Actually all creepy crawly things.    Example:  Today, while sitting  in my living room, I saw something slither on the floor.  Freaking out I called my neighbor cause hubby was still at work.  Bob (neighbor) came running over with his HOE in hand ready to slaughter the anaconda in my living room.  Soooo… turns out maybe my eyes need to be checked.  It was a teeny tiny lizard.  TEENY TINY!  And then my Gram sat giggling as I let out a scream because the little bastard chased me!  (Ok, well maybe he was just running for his life, but he was running for his life in MY direction.)  Anyhoo, somehow we scared the crap out of him and he ran under the couch, never to be seen again.  I am waiting for him to make his appearance still.  *shudder*

2.  My housekeeping skills and more so my laundry skills for sure leave something to be desired.  I am much more inclined to play with Monkey or get on the internet than clean.  This isn’t to say that my house is gross because it isn’t by any means.  It just may have a bit more dust than most.  And growing up in a spotless house that we cleaned from top to bottom twice a week, I have a lot to live up to in my housecleaning head.  While my house doesn’t need an overhaul or that Peter Walsh from Oprah to show up, I would for sure love to have some time with Molly Maids. *grin*

3.  Even though I say I need to watch my potty mouth, the truth is I don’t think I will ever stop cursing as much as I do.  Some things just sound better with the eff word in front of them.  It makes me happy to curse even though I know it makes me look like… well I dunno what I look like but oh well.  For some reason I don’t typically curse on my blog.  Don’t be fooled my mouth is terrible.

4.  I have been watching the same soap opera for 22 years.  I have hardly missed any episodes.  The thing is, I kinda hate the show.  But I can’t stop watching it.  All My Children seems to have made its home in my soul.  *shrug*

5.  I think about sex more than anybody I have ever met or known.  I don’t know why because I was never promiscuous or anything.  As a matter of fact, I can count my lifetime of sexual partners on one hand.  But I think about it so much that I have started to hate the fact that I think about it as much as I do.  It is consuming.  Also, I am a pervert.  But I guess that goes hand in hand.  Not like weird creepy have to register pervert, I mean like open to all fun kink kinda pervert.  And that part I don’t regret.

6.  I love tattoos.  I only have four but I want tons more.  I have at least 5 more that I have already planned out and can’t wait to get.  My 80 year old body should be smoking with all that faded ink.  Sexxxxxy!

7.  My biggest fear is death.  Death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I can’t bear the thought of losing more of the people I love.  The thought makes me ill.  And I am so fearful that I will die before I have been able to do all of the things I want to do.  Ugh.

8.  I love animals so much that I want to adopt all of the homeless pets in the world.  It irritates me to no end when I hear about people breeding their dogs and cats.  Do they not know how many animals out there need homes?!?!  It makes me SICK.  I wish that I could adopt them all and I would let them all sleep in my bed with me and cuddle at night.  And they would know they were loved.

9.  Everyone thinks I am a really great photographer, but the fact is that I am just wingin it all the time.  I sort of skipped over a lot of skills that I really needed.  But nobody seems to have noticed.  Someday I hope that I will be able to take some classes to perfect my craft.

10.  I am doing what I have wanted my whole life to be doing.  I am a stay at home Mom.  I love every minute of it.  And not to mention my son is like he most perfect kid in the whole world!!

And the 7 8 people (cause I couldn’t settle on 7) that I am awarding this blog award to are…. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!! (drumroll please!)

Wicked Courtni

Cammie at House of No Sleep

Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow

Jill Pilgrim at Pilgrim Congress

The Vegetable Assassin

Captain Dumbass of Us and Them

Kristina at Pulsipher Predilections

Mama Kat’s Losin It

Please check out each of their blogs.  I love to read them all!!  Have a great Thursday!

Walkman Memories

My parents separated when I was 7.  So my little brother and I would trade holidays back and forth between them.

When I woke up on Christmas morning of 1985 on my Dad’s hide-a-bed couch in the living room, I rushed to the tree to see what he Santa had brought us.  He brought us a Nintendo (which was cooler than cool back then) but even better for me he brought a brand spanking new Walkman!!!

If you are too young to remember what a Walkman is, then lemme explain.  *sigh*

Back in the dinosaur days, before portable CD players, or iPods, or iPhones we had the beautiful creation that was the Walkman.  The Walkman played “Tapes”.  (Another dinosaur days invention.) This was big a deal back in the “olden” days because it meant that we could walk around with our Walkman and listen to our favorite tape with the cool headphones that were included.

Well I had wanted one of these awesome cool new inventions, but because of the expense didn’t hold out hope that I would get one.  But there under the tree was the most beautiful black Walkman I had ever seen.

Growing up music was always huge in our family.  Listening to James Taylor, Dan Fogelburg, Loggins and Messina, Steely Dan and I could go on for hours listing my favorites.  My dad played the guitar and my mom sang.  We always had music around us.  And because of that my brother and I both grew to love it.  I had a record player in my room when I was just 4 years old that I would listen to over and over.

So imagine my excitement when under the tree sat the gorgeous, now to be mine and only mine, Walkman!

Wrapped in red and green paper was a tiny square package next to the Walkman with a note

To: Cassie

From: Daddy

Inside was my first Heart Album…err tape.  Dog and Butterfly.  Oh that tape was played so much over and over and over again that one day it finally gave out and just snapped.  The tape inside had been used far too much for me to play it anymore.

Here I sit, a couple *cough* years later and as I listen to this album on iTunes (haha) I am immediately transported to that morning sitting on my Dad’s couch, listening to Dog and Butterfly.

The good memories that I have from my childhood can make me weep just by thinking about them.  I had some rough times, sure.  But I had some really great times too.  My parents did what they could to make sure we knew we were loved and adored.  And it’s always the little things that stick out to me.  Tiny tokens of love that sitting here 24 (ouch) years later, make me think, “wow, they really, really love me.”

Mini Pimp and Musical Memories!

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

I just read an amazing blog by Erika called Musical moments and memories. Please check it out and then come back… no no… I will wait…..
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(sheesh you read slow)

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Ok, are you done?

Well, I was so moved by the blog, I had to write one of my own that is just basically stemming from my comment on her blog.

Music is such an amazing outlet for me. And like Erika I think of memories when I hear a song. They can be all sorts of memories. Good, bad, whatever. Sometimes to remember something in time, I will go and listen to a song on purpose. Whenever I am missing my step-dad, Jim, all I have to do is turn on Open Arms by Journey. We shared a mutual appreciation for music and I loved to come to him with questions of bands and songs as he could always pinpoint exactly who it was, what song and the album and year it came out. Usually there was a fun and colorful story to accompany the info, which was my favorite part.

One of the things that first drew me to my husband was his diverse love of music. I feel bad for people who ONLY listen to rap or ONLY listen to rock or ONLY listen to country. Whatever type of music it is, I love it. Music is an amazing gift to your ears. There isn’t any type that I really don’t like. I love symphony, country, rap, rock, heavy metal, hair bands, even big band and blue grass! Whatever it is, I will enjoy it. My husband is the same way. He is eager to always hear new music which I envy because I am a singer. You know the one. The one that cannot carry a note to save their life but still knows every word to the song and insists on singing at the top of their lungs RIGHT next to you. Yeah? Ok, well that is me. Only I have a fantastic voice! Ok I made that part up. I can’t sing for shit, but I love doing it. So when a new song comes on that I don’t know yet, I am really bad about giving it a chance. My husband has really forced me to listen and enjoy to that new song. I never even knew who Triumph was until we got together and I soon learned it was his favorite band. Take my Heart by Triumph was our wedding song. Now I love a lot of their stuff. (In small doses)

I can’t hear a song by Huey Lewis and not think about my Mom dancing around our living room in her Huey Lewis phase. Or George Michael, or Oleta Adams. I can’t hear a song from the Luck of the Draw album by Bonnie Raitt and not feel the pain my mother had in her life when she brought home the tape.

I smile proudly when I hear the Beatles sing When I’m 64 and think of my Dad singing it to his wife on their wedding day. I can’t help but tear up when I hear It’s a Wonderful World by Lewis Armstrong and think of my Dad singing it to me on my wedding day. I still sing it with the lyrics just slightly different the way he did to me. I am 4 years old again riding in my Dad’s brown Datsun hearing him sing Baby You Can Drive My Car by the Beatles, his head bent ever so slightly up.

I will forever remember my step daughter sitting in the back of our Yukon singing Cowboy by Kid Rock (the clean version of course) and giddy with laughter in her child seat. “Play it again, Dad!” she would say over and over again.

These memories are what make music wonderful. They are able to transport you back to a specific moment in time whenever you want to be there.

Are there any songs that you can think of that do this to you? Share!

Ciao!
xoxoxo
Cass

Diary of Pittsburgh Part 5

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

10/3/06

Omigod omigod omigod… today was the funeral.  So I wake up this morning refreshed (and a bit hungover) but none the less I was ready.  I worked myself up to it overnight.  I was going to be an amazing, strong wife and family member.  My husband informed me that he wanted to ride along with his brother in law, the police officer I told you about yesterday, for all of the processional stuff.  So I realized that not only was I not going to see him for most of the ceremony because he was a pallbearer but not during any of the driving bits either.  So basically, I was going to drive to the funeral home with him at 8 in the morning and then would pretty much not talk to him again until about noon at the wake.  Weird.  But ok.  So I got to the funeral home for the last showing before the funeral.  I was doing good.  Proud of myself.  Strange because I realized that I was completely numb but proud anyway because I was maintaining composure.  So we have our final viewing and the priest (I think that was what he was) makes a speech, everyone gets teary and then they take the casket out to the hearse.  I start to lose it.  Not bad at first but enough that I need to tell myself to get fricking control.  Then we drive to the church where they take the casket into the church.  Then we have the funeral.  I proceed to lose it again.  I mean I lost it.  I was heaving.  I was crying so hard that I had to stop and pretend I was in an amusement park watching children run and play and among other things, eating cotton candy.  Don’t ask, this is just what came to me.  Big fluffy pink balls of cotton candy.  I was scared that if I didn’t stop crying that I would have an asthma attack and the show would all stop to look at the moron in the pew who forgot her inhaler and was laying on the ground awaiting medical attention.  Yes, this is what was going thru my mind.  Don’t judge me, I am weird.  You already knew this.  So anyway… I finally stop crying and the funeral FINALLY ends after just shy of two hours and proceed back to our cars to drive to the cemetery.  We took a bit of a detour past Uncle George’s old house per his request and off we were to the cemetery.  Then another speech and we leave to head back to the church reception hall for lunch and the “wake”.  In all honesty, I can’t for the life of me figure out why they call it that.  Who is exactly supposed to awaken?  If you know, please let me in on this.

I realized why this is affecting me in the way it is.  Don’t get me wrong, I miss Uncle George.  I miss him a lot.  He was an amazing man.  Just ask the 3 zillion people that were there today.  All of them have a story.  A GOOD story.  Some way that Uncle George impacted their life and how they will be forever changed because of him.  He was a gift to us all.

Back to my point.  The reason I think or rather that I know I am so upset is this.  This is like losing Jim all over again.  When someone you love dies you bottle up a lot.  And it doesn’t hit you until later in life.  Unfortunately, it all hit me in the last few days.  I lost Jim all over again today.  I feel like he just left us yesterday.  I feel just as miserable today as I felt on that Wednesday that will be forever burned in my brain.  I am not trying to side step how painful it was for everyone, including myself, to lose Uncle George.  So please do not misunderstand me.  But I just feel FUCKING MISERABLE!  Why does it hurt so bad?  Any ideas on how I can make it stop?

I do have one idea.  Gin.  It worked for a few.  Not long.  But long enough for me to get past the worst of it.  Isn’t that terrible?  I had to drink myself into literally a stooper today.  I was sloshed at 3 in the afternoon.  It is almost midnight here and I am still pretty loaded, and I stopped drinking HOURS ago.  How pathetic?  Kids, don’t try this at home.

Why does alcohol work so well?  Why do we use it?  Why do I use it?  I know I don’t have a drinking problem.  I know, I know.  Those who say they don’t have a problem actually do have a problem.  But when I drink, I very rarely if ever drink to get loaded.  I actually usually just drink because I love the taste of alcohol.  But strangely enough, whenever I am in Pittsburgh with my husband’s family, that time to get smashed and make an ass out of myself usually comes due.  Sad.  But true.  I apparently am trying to make the biggest ass out of myself that I can and only in front of my husband’s family.  Maybe subconsciously I am trying to see if my husband will love me no matter what.  Dumb, but it is all I can think of.  When I say that to him, he says I just feel comfortable enough with him and his family to know I can have a good time.  He always knows what to say to make me feel better.  He is good like that.  I think I will keep him.

Anyway…. Moving on.   Actually it just dawned on me that this blog is really really long and I am sure you are getting rather bored.  So I will say goodnight.

Diary of Pittsburgh Part 4

This blog was originally posted on MySpace.

10/2/06

Today was day two of the “viewings”  There were a total of four of them and tomorrow is the funeral.  It is a Catholic Mass funeral.  So the whole hurrah.  I am really nervous.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I am not the kind of person that can cry in public.  At least I feel weak if I do.  Yesterday I had a good cry at the funeral home and of course had to run outside and hide to have it.  I felt like a moron.  Why did I?  Who knows.  Everyone cries.  It is perfectly natural.  Especially in a situation like this.  But I still felt the need to run and hide.  Do any of you do this or is it just me?

Today I did so much better though.  I think I am a little bit numb.  Today nothing seemed to phase me.  I didn’t feel.  I didn’t feel happy, sad or indifferent.  Is this my bodies way of putting up a shield?  To protect me from the sadness?

Did anyone actually read my other blogs?  I didn’t get any comments and I was sad about it today.  It shows that I had 153 views today but no one said anything?  Whats up with that?  I know I said that I didn’t care if you commented, but I lied.  Not that I want kudos or any shit like that.  I just want someone to tell me how they did it.  Opal, you were a champ and your comment touched me to the core.

To everyone else… If you have time will you read my blogs and tell me if anything I am feeling or going thru relates to your life?  Please?  I think I just need to know that I am being heard.  I can’t really talk about this with anyone here because we are all going thru this together.  I need an outside perspective.  So please, if you can comment on my other blogs and maybe open a bit of a discussion, I would be in your debt.  Truly.

I am so scared about tomorrow.  I just don’t know how I am going to deal with it.  I am the type of person that needs to be in control of a situation or I kinda freak out.  I am NOT in control of this one.  I am so scared that I will cry or break down or god forbid cry so hard I force myself into an asthma attack.  I just want to be strong and helpful to everyone involved with this right now.  And more than anything I feel like a shitty wife.  My father in law came up to me yesterday and asked me how I was doing.  When I started to reply he told me that my husband had already informed him that I was doing very poorly.  Gee thanks Hus.  Like I didn’t feel like a pussy enough, you had to tell your Dad all about it.  Ugh.  I am not mad or anything but like I said, it just makes me feel weak.  I hate to feel weak and hate even more anyone thinking that I am weak.

My brother in law is a police officer here in Pittsburgh and is going to be leading the processional in a marked police car tomorrow.  I could not be more proud of the family I married into.  This is just one of the many amazing gifts of kindness that I have seen over the last two days.  This family has amazing hearts.  I am truly blessed to be a part of it.

I have been talking to my step dad, Jim, all day to please let me make it through tomorrow and be strong for my family.  I think he is listening.  I know today would not have been so easy if he was not looking out for me.  I am so lucky to have him as my own guardian angel.

Please wish me luck and say a prayer for me tomorrow.  I need all the positive thoughts and wishes I can get.

Also another request.  Hug and kiss those that you love.  And tell them that you love them.